i don't think my week can get much worse
i have had this odd thing going on were my heart rate goes crazy for five or ten mins even when i am sat relaxing
i have noticed it over the last week and a bit
put it to the bac of my mind and thought when i get a day off i will get the doc to check it out
well last night i was having a early night knowing the weekend at work would be very busy
it started again
so i kept calm and thought it will go in a few mins
i tried my meditation and it kept going but this time my heart rate was really fast then it would stop real quick give a few really deep beat then speed up again
i thought it was very odd so i rang nhs direct for advice
they asked the usual questions and a doctor then rang from the hospital by now my heart rate had been iratic for nearly a hour
he asked me to go to a and e
i went and they got me stright in
and hooked me up to a beeping thing that was quite odd hearing how out my heart rate was
then i had to have these pads put oa all over me
they were then attached to wires and it gave a reading of my heart from all over my body
by now i noticed my heart speed was more normal it had slowly been getting better from getting to the hospital
they also checked my blood sugar it was a healthy 4.5
the main doctor came and checked me over
and said i had to go to my doctors after the bank holiday and get a emergancey appointment
she belived it could be due to stres or it could be due to my thiriod gland
the tests had shown my heart was ok,they had seen how it was when i got there knew it was slowere than when i had phoned and said the tests would have shown a heart condition
thank god
so i am now off work
i didnt want to be off work as were very busy but i have been told i have to rest and get this problem sorted out with my doctor
in a way this is a good thing i have had tests all my life for thiroid
always it has shown border line
with that they couldnt medicate me
i have always been a big woman
and they never know why always asuming i am unfit and eat all the pies
i dont
i take care of myself i eat very well and healthy foods
i take alot of excersie and i am quite fit for my size
but were a thin person coud eat a slap up meal and all the things in the world i have alwayys had to take care and eat mostly freash home cooked food raw veg and salad and fruite
it has been a constant battle knowing what i do is ok and there must be a medical reason for my size
this might be what i have been serching for
we will see



added to this
i rang work

and siad i wasnt in

i got jip

for having a self cert letter til wed


i was acussed of running off to whitby for the re enactment

how when i am staying around the house if not in bed



the mistake came when work read my letter wrong thinking when i said i was seeing my doc after the holiday it
actually ment after i have been to whitby


omg cant people read



i am so mad now



i was ordered to take in my note for the doctor

this is as we all know stupid


you have five days on a self cert letter before it has to go in



i will now see what my doctor says
but if it is stress today is not helpping me is it

anyone know what i can do
i need advice on this one


ok i am going to relax and not stress now as i dont want a ambulance to a and e next time


love you al love nicky.x.

hello i am writing this as a rant


 i went to a job interview this week
7 people went for the job


i was told i did a fantastic interview
but didnt get the job
i wasnt given a propper reason why



the thing that has bugged me is this
it was for a full time job
doing what i have been doing part tie for the last near 7 years


i am so upset and hurt
to find out i am worth nothing





there was 3 full time jobs
one guy who has worked part time for 3 years got one and the other two went to complete nnewbies


i have given so much to my work
i work extra hours at a couple of hours notice knowing i wont get paid for the extra hours for a year
as all my overtie comes after april the first each year

i have recently done 51 hour weeks why well just to help out as i am nice i am loyal to my workplace and i love my job
i know i will only get paid 15 hours each week for this work
and have ful year to wait for rest of pay


why

why why


i feel like i have been kicked in the face
slapped down and i feel so low



i cant stop crying


my self astem is low to start with and i fear this latest knock down might be the one that makes me crak
life is so pant for me at the moment
i really need a hug


sorry i am too upset to type any more


love nicky.x.

last night my ear got so blooming bad i couldnt even move my head
it was even painful to talk
so i got into bed and tried to lay in a position were i could try an€d sleep
i think it mst have been the antibiotics but i was soon out like a log
i woke up at 4 and couldnt get back to sleep
do you know the feeling when you are so in pain that you cry
as yo dont know what to do or when the pain will go

i tell yo i wouldnt wish this on my ex hsband
and i hate him more than anyone in this world

i would rather give birth to a 14 pound baby
as i know then the pain would just go

i got up with simon at 7 am and tried to be happy and motive
but the pain was so bad
i think the abcess is tarting to brst as the presure is really bad

i thought about how i could spend the day at work like this and came to the conclusion
i couldnt
one
i am in too much pain and i am feeling so low with lack of sleep and i would be too grumpy there
two
i dont want to be there if the abces bursts and well
would you talk to someone on  a reception desk with green and yellow pus dripping out of there ear



so rang in sick

now i am feeling like i let them down
we are so busy at work
but there is nothing i can do about it
 i worked sat.sun.mon.and tue in this state

i cant do any more
i already had tommorow off
and i know at work the most busy time wil be this weekend
so i am hopeing i am better and ready for the weekend


now today i am staying in my bed
simon is coming home from col at 12 so i wont be alone all day
i kinda started to panic thining if i was taken really il and all alone

man it is times like this when i wish i had a partner to give me a hug and say i will be ok


blah


note to self smile if you can

hope all of you who read this if any


are having a great day

love to you all love nicky.x.

fun day found out my ear infection in my ear canal is worse
and to add to it i have a abcess in there also blah pain
i was looking at the shadow before i went in thinking it looked like a jail.so i took a photo.to pass time while i waited for the doctor.
i got antibiotics and told it will burst soon great,,,and it could burst my ear drum.,,,when it bursts the ear canal is getting smaller with the infection as it swells and now the abcess in there is getting bigger as it fills with push and yucky stuff so it is pushing the sewing ear canal open mmmm yes i am in agony and having to work as i cant tae time off.i was told at work i was getting money docked off my pay for going to a emergancey appointment at the doc
thig is it int my fault i work part time they are making me againt my contract work full time for the next 3 weeks my argument is i should not get money knocked off they say i wil grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.,
then tonight in the evening paper i see a bit about my great great grandad beating up a cop a hundred years ago.
omg i come from a bad familly
nicky.x.

not much to say about today
went to work
still got a bad ear
i am going to ring the doc again tommorow morning
i hope they give me time off work to go see him
i hate the fact i work part time
but when were busy like now i have to work ful time
for my reg 15 hours a week pay
and they refuse me time to go to the doctors
well im making a stand
i cant work when im ill
so its docs and get better or no docs and end up having to take time off
blah

tonight i am sat here messageing a few friends to see if they have msn
as i am bored stiff
i wanted to go out and take some photos
but no one is around o blah once more
i think i will re arange my bedroom
its looking a little messy
and i want to watch part two of flood at nine
hopefully i wil get some sleep tonight as with nearly a week with no sleep is doing my head in
i hope your all having a better week than me
love nicky.x.

woke up at 4 am
my ear was kiling me still
i tried to get back to sleep but couldnt
so lay there watching the news trying to meditate the pain away
i got up eventualy and got ready for work
walking to work was not fun
i felt as if i was walking all over the place
the joys of a ear infection

work was quiet today
john and phil hung the new coffee shop exhibition
i was on the desk
i can truely say nothing interesting happend
so i pottered around and took some photos of the windows
bord much!!!!!!!

home time soon came
and simon came to meet me
we walked down town
it was packed with bimbos in bob the buider costumes and loads of other drunken screaming fools



dont get me wrong i have nothing against people drinking

but what is the point of spending bank holidays drunk

i dont drink much
so when i go out i realy enjoy myself
but to get waisted and scream and shout making a fool of ones self is not my idea of a good time out


blah i must be getting old



so i got home ate something and upladed a couple of my photos onto flickr

wanna see them ????



here you go have a look


http://www.flickr.com/photos/nicolasuzzannefranklin/



enjoy


until next time love to you all love nicky.x.

hello
well the ear got really bad so i rang the doc and got a appointment
i spent the day pottering around the house doing odd jobs
simon went out and got the golden compass so we watched that.
what a great film
if you havent sen it yet your missing out
it got to two oclock so i went off to the doctors
apparently i have messed up the ear canal and it is very infected
so i was given a spray antibiotic
note to self and anyone else please not put anything smaller than your elbow into your ear ever
as i would hate any of you to have the pain i have with this
well the rest of the day went qick simons friends came round i fell asleep as we all watched the golden compass again

i finally go to bed and cant sleep
in alot of pain
i know your asking why dont i take pain killers well
i am on meds for a tummy problem and cant take anything.so its grin and bear it until the spray antibiotic works
god i hope it is soon

saturday i wake up at six am go online and do some of my band promo work

send some emails

then off to work

work was ok this morning
busy but fine
i hate this blooming ear infection becase it is also making me feel dizzy and all the sounds are very echoiy

me and phil try and sort out the computer at work
its been a pain and wont do what its ment to so we try all we can to sort it out

after our half hour lunch break we have a activity
so the place fills up with very hyper happy kiddys
lucky for me and phil we are working on the front desk,
so we get it easy
phil gets the short straw and has to go and take some photos
the press photographer comes bt we stil need photos for our own promo and advertising
at four we have to go into the room were the acctivity has been held
our job clean up
ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
glitter glue i hate it and its all over the carpet the shop the walls
so mmmmmmmmmm clean clean clean

i was glad to leave

simon met me and we walk home talking abot our days
im now just thinking of what i want to eat for tea after jst watching doctor who
well at least its one day done out of my 3 weeks of madness
i hope the pain in my ear goes soon

and i will be back later to chat to you all please feel free to chat back
love to you all love nicky.x.

tuesday went to the doctors
i wasnt looking forward to it but went along trying to smile
on the way a friend called me so met her and she came with me
the doc was odd
i was pouring out my heart to him
teling him i wanted help
i have got to a point with my loosing weight and i am not getting smaller
so i wanted to talk to him about it
i was really mad as he didnt even look at me when i was talking to him he kept looking at the computer
i told him what i was doing to help myself
eating healty food
not over eating
walking were ever i can
doing heavey gardening
and genurally taking care of myself
he eventually looked up
and told me i would have to see a diet specialist
blah
i have seen them before
i wrote everything down that i ate even water and they told me i was telling lies
so i agree to go and see one
just to shut him up
i dont understand whhy doctors give me a hard time
i know i am doing all the correct things so dosent it say there is something wrong with me?
they dont want to find a cause just lok for things that they think are happening
he aso told me if after seeing a diet person i havent ost weight i will be given medication
mmmmmmmmm
ok i ask what is that he says apitie supresents
i say but i know i dont eat enough i am worried about eating so i dont get big
he looks at me tuts and says we wil see
also they can give me one pill that breaks down fat
 i dont eat fats i never fry things and ggrrrrrr whats the point
anyhow aafter a ong chat that goes nowere
he tels me that if nothing works they will give me a gastric band
i dont want a gastric blooming band
people die having that done
i want testing to see what isnt working what is making me fat and i want it fixing


i come out of the doctors really mad all he has agreed to is doing a scan to see what wasnt seen in my endoscaphy


so its off into town


go for a coffee in rosters and off to the photo shop to get some prints done form my new camera



i say see you to my friend and feeling really low i take simon to macdonalds for dinner

hahah you say she eats all the fatty stuff
actually i used to love going to macky d's bt for the last two years i have never been

i think s..... it if the doc thinks i eat rubbish i am going for a burger

i go in and think mmmmm ok i will have a salad

guess what sold out so i get a burger

while me and simon are sititing in there we see katie from next door
shes a young mum and has a baby boy
he comes in and joins us

we then wander around town and come back home were katie goes to her house to feed baby

she comes back a little later and we go into the garden and do some weeding


when i was doing this something flew in my ear

i pushed my fingre in and had a scratch
not noticeing i had mud all over them

doh silly
so it was home and cotton bud
to clean it
unfortunatly i pushed it in to far and bashed my ear drum
owch owch owch



so i am now in a mood

i go home and make tea for simon during the night my friend isa rings teing me she will be here in the morning


yippppyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy






wed

get up get washed and dressed go to work



work is quiet



so walk around cleaning and stuff
i only had half a hour for dinner
and i can tel you it isnt enough time when your dinner is raw carrots apple pepper cranberrys and olives 

i rush into town and get my film from jessops and go back to finish my lunch

the afternoon is working cleaning and talking to john as not many people are around


imon meets me at home time and we have a gossip on the way back

im not in long and lisa rings she wants to take us out for a meal for a late birthday gift to simon
so we all go along to le chat noir  man it i a loverly place and the meal was great
we all go back to my house and chat till late
lisa's sisters little girl is a scream running aronf the house looking for cats
the cats have better idea of hideing in the smalleset and darkest paces of the house to escape


we then go for a walk in the church yard to take them back to the hotel the castle by the sea were thye are staying

its now late so its off to bed



thur 

early 


lisa rings and comes round i haul ass out of bed get ready and we all go for a walk along the beach were little pheeeeeee goes on a donkey for the first time and i take some pictures


we than all go into town and go for coffee in costas more photos and gossip and its off to the post office to pick up simons books that have come 

and then off to the station to say see you to lisa and familly


after that simon goes home and i go to aldi with my mum do a bit of shopping and go home


i have a really interesting dinner 

tomato and one brown roll 
yummy 


as i only have two days off i spent the afternoon online and fall asleep
my ear has reallt started to hurt now and i feel propper bad

not much else happend today except talking to a rock star friend of mine tonight online she is great and ihavent had chance to talk to her in a while as she has been recording a new album s it was nice to catch up on al her gossip 
then i sat in bed crying with pain all my ear is now swolen up like mad i tried olivve oil no luck
might have to go to docs again for it checking gr hate docs he will tell me it is because i am fat lmao

i sent a few messages to online friends
and now i am doing this
 i must go and check the cats now there runing around like fools i think they have caught a mosue grrrrrrrrr




so until next time love you see you later love nicky.x.x.