Dashed shame to see that one of Leamington's landmarks - the Woolworths shop on the Parade - is closing.  I never shopped there myself of course - perish the thought.  The place hasn't sold anything decent since 1976.  It's been full of lowbrow tat for years.  

I am rather concerned at the news that one of these so-called "pound shops" is opening in the Parade.

Leamington is famed for its unique, desirable and most of all *expensive* boutiques and specialist shops.  If you're trying to tell me that town centre will be improved by opening its doors to the Lidl generation, well frankly I'm appalled.

My wife and I wholeheartedly refuse to shop anywhere cheaper than Rackhams.  How can the landlords who own the buildings continue to charge their justifiably high rents if the shops will be selling cut-price goods?  The world has gone mad.

Dear BBC,

Why oh why oh why is my licence fee being used to fill the pockets of irresponsible hooligans like Russell Brand and Jonathan Ross?  In our house, we don't like to tune the wireless into anything like that.  It's not like the good old days, when you had people like Bruce Forsythe on the telly.  Lord Reith would be turning in his grave.  Bring back "Sing Something Simple", that's what I say.

I didn't actually listen to Brand and Ross making that telephone call.  However, I read lots about it in the paper and it made the headlines on the major news bulletins, so I feel I have every right to be enraged.

What makes it worse is that it's costing me £139.50 a year!  What do we get for our money?  Two overpaid oafs careering uncontrollably from one disaster to the next.  The licence fee really isn't worth it, especially when they lost the cricket. 

What else do we get for our money?  Nothing.  Well, I like to check the weather forecast, but that doesn't count because it's only on for a couple of minutes.  I listen to the news on Radio 4, because it's better than all of the noisy special effects they have on the ITV news.  For some unaccountable reason, the wife likes to listen to the Archers.  She likes that dancing thing on BBC1 as well - waste of time if you ask me, but at least it shuts her up for an hour, so I can't really complain.  And the BBC web site is quite useful, although it's a bit too left-leaning for me.  I'll admit that they have made quite a good job of Doctor Who, even if it's full of grown men kissing each other.  The wife likes her costume dramas, but they aren't on very often.  I check the share prices on Ceefax, but that's not really TV, is it?  I have the local radio on in the car, but only for the traffic announcements.  And I can't bear adverts, so I don't really like watching the other side.

So, apart from the news and the Archers and that dancing thing and the costume dramas and Doctor Who and the website and Ceefax and the travel news and the lack of commercials, it's a complete waste of money.  And they have the audacity to charge my household 38p every day for the privilege!  It's an outrageous stealth tax.  I'd much rather pay £20 a month for Sky, and watch loads of repetitive American tat with adverts - because at least I have the choice to stop paying (once the minimum contract ends).

I was on my way to Newbold Comyn this afternoon for some much-needed exercise when, to my dismay, I was confronted by an astounding example of inconsiderate parking:



This is typical of the attitude of many motorists today.  Not satisfied with driving recklessly, they then see fit to park their cars without any thought for anyone else.

It would appear to be a BMW - driven by some ludicrous sharp-suited rep, I would imagine.  The one consolation is that it seems to have suffered some minor damage at some point.  At least the roads will be safer for a while.

I was pleased to read about plans to return the Pump Room Gardens to their former 19th century glory.  The sooner we can fence the place off, the better.  Keep out the thugs, "hoodies" and ne'er-do-wells who congregate on the bandstand night after night.  Leamington has been in a steady decline for the last 150 years, with an influx of outsiders and their peculiar ways.  We haven't even got a Conservative MP any more, for crying out loud!  What on earth is going on?

The mystery cable at the bottom of the River Leam could be part of the problem.  External forces are at work.  People have already seen strangers, clothed in black, "repairing" the cable in the dead of night.  That is very suspicious.

Let's examine the evidence:  first the M40 was extended.  Secondly, we have our first Labour MP since the birth of democracy.  Thirdly, the so-called "Spring" is assembled outside the Parish Church.  Finally, a mysterious cable is discovered at the bottom of the river.  To me, that smacks of a Leftist conspiracy to take over the area.  The curly-wurly sculpture is almost certainly a mind-control device, feeding instructions from an unknown source, determined to crush the Leamingtonian spirit and make our town identical to all the others.

We must fight to maintain our traditions.  Keep those cans of beige paint at the ready, for the battle has only just begun!

Well, I've been transfixed by the Peking Olympics (none of this Beijing business - traditional values, and all that).  Our athletes have done better than ever before.  They should be rightly proud.

One thing bothers me, though.  The British are winning more and more medals.  Either the athletes are getting better or the races are getting easier.  In my day, 400 metres WAS 400 metres - well, in fact it wasn't 400 metres, it was 400 YARDS, but it was still difficult.  Nowadays, they run it in a flash.  Very puzzling.

I was talking to a friend of mine who used to be involved in athletics.  He says that in some meetings, if the athletes don't do very well, they can run the race over and over again, and the highest score is the one that counts.  When I was running races, you had to spend ages training for the race and in the end you had to run it - and if you failed, that was it.  Today's youngsters only have to run a part of the race at a time, and it all gets added up at the end.  They get it easy.

No, hang on - that's A Levels, isn't it?

Has the world gone mad?  I've just heard that one of these so-called "discount supermarkets" is about to open in the vicinity.  I can feel my house price falling even as we speak.

My wife (a woman of notable class and sophistication, who regularly drives to Waitrose to buy ready-buttered bread) was appalled when she heard the news.  Who can blame her?  A shop will be opening to cater for people who don't feel posh enough to visit Asda.

Mind you, it's on Myton Road, which is technically in Warwick, not Royal Leamington Spa.  Now I see the whole situation in a different light.  Those whinging, whining Warwickians have spent years moaning about every minor change, from the comfort of their palatial stately homes.  I say let's give them something to complain about.  Long live Lidl!

That's another thing that troubles me nowadays: cyclists.  Bolshy lot at the best of times, but the real pains are the ones who cycle at night without any lights.

I was driving my dear lady wife home from her late-night macramé class, and I had to avoid three of them in the High Street alone!

They career along the road or the pavement; they wear the darkest clothes they can find; they drift and dart all over the place without a care in the world; and not one of them has lights on their bikes.  Call me a mad old coot if you like, but aren't these cyclists breaking the law?

When I was a lad, you would have been hauled in front of the Beak and given twenty lashes just for having a defective dynamo.  Nowadays, I reckon they WANT to be run over, so they can call the "No win, no fee" solicitors and claim a fortune.

I blame the Sixties myself.  Bad parenting.