Greetings frae OldMcBridKid
Sooo, we're all off ti be Scotsmen then? Well, it's no so bad, ye ken. They could be askin' us ti be Southerners!
Ah've already been ti the Council offerin' ti gie 'em some lessons in parsimoniousness. Och away, I'm reel good at that. The moths i' ma wallet haveni seen dayleet for months. Well, no since I gev a bonny penny to yon beggar on the street! An' if ye believe that, well, yer dafter than I thought.
So, hev they asked ye if ye want ti be a Scot? No, an' they haveni asked me, either.
I think it's mad mesen. After all, we'd be better off if we took them over. And made them Yorkshiremen.
But, nay, they haveni the brains o' the sense o' the thick skin ti be Yorkshiremen.
Cheers for the noo, OldMcBridKid
Did ye see this awful seet this mornin?
Published Date:
28/04/2007
Modified Date:
28/04/2007
More from the Messenger
The Bridlington Messenger
Frit Witless to re-open Spa
Legendary American banjo player Frit Witless will make his first visit on New Year’s Eve, when he brings his unique style of playing to Bridlington.
Known for his exciting rendition of “Grandpa’s got a raccoon in his drawers,” “Why did she ever leave me?” and his chart-topping masterpiece “Banjoes ain’t for wimps,” Frit will be accompanied by Dick Ness and Cy Yorea, both well known throughout the British NHS musical circuit.
Born in the village of Burlington in the wilderness of Wyoming, Frit says he has held an ambition to visit Bridlington since he learned of the derivation of the name of Burlington during a geography lesson.
Frit’s career has seen him pack the Carnegie Hall, Hollywood Bowl and Flossie’s Diner in Main Street, Burlington, Wyoming. One of seventeen children to Maybellene and Randy Witless, Frit spent his childhood plucking the strings of an old guitar. Had circumstances been different, the name of Frit Witless could well have been in lights long before Elvis Presley made his mark with rock and roll. But Frit battled on with his career.
His manic ability to strum the six-string banjo and his superb dexterity on the strings eventually brought him to the attention of Sergeant Pepper and the Lonely Hearts Club Band in the early 60s.
One particular performance in London was the highlight of Frit’s previous experience of this country. Because the major royals were in the boxes above the stage, Frit was struck with stage nerves and after his rendition of “Does your baccy lose its flavour in the bedpan overnight?” he packed his banjo and headed back to Obscurity in Wyoming.
Banjoist supreme Frit Witless
Now, forty-plus years on, Frit Witless makes his comeback appearance in England. Following the show at the Spa on New Year’s Eve, he will leave for a whistle-stop tour of the country, playing at Goole, Milton Keynes, Penge in London, Blandford Forum in Dorset, and finally at the Scout Hut, Skipsea.
Tickets for the Frit Witless Show are available on Monday from the Spa booking office, at £2.00 seated, £1.00 dancing, 50p standing, with concessions allowed in at no charge. A small range of refreshments will be available at prices to challenge the pocket as usual.
Members of the Spa Royal Hall staff have expressed delight at the acquisition of Frit for their mammoth re-opening event following the renovations carried out during 2006.
“We’ll all remember Frit Witless!”
Published Date:
24/04/2007
Modified Date:
24/04/2007
That Ghost in the Bull & Sun
Been there. Seen that ghost! Well, to be honest, seen the video showing the ghost.
Whatever was there it certainly looked like a Victorian lady sat in a chair between the security camera and the bar. We watched someone behind the bar cleaning glasses and hanging them up over her head. And between us was this lady. She was all in black, had mutton-chop sleeves to her dress at the shoulders, the tight sleeves were too short to reach her wrists, and I swear I could make out those old-style granny boots with buttons.
She just sat there while the lass behind the bar was working.
And I've seen the polished stair bannister and been all over that pub.
It's a weird place. What about that room that's halfway between floors?
And why isn't the pub making something of being haunted? Open it up, let visitors in. Make a bob or two.
At that time, the owners of the Bull & Sun were friends of Betty Half (my missus). And they showed us round - and the video.
I've even got photos. Look at the difference between the bannisters. One mucky, one clean.
And who's this character in the photo below? A mate of OldBridKid, that's all. Not a spook, ghoul or ghostie.
He once led me astray on a tunnel hunt. I'll tell you about that some other time.
Published Date:
20/04/2007
Modified Date:
20/04/2007
Aliens at Brid
The Bridlington Messenger
Have the Martians been busy on our south shore?
A series of bizarre shapes were seen at dawn on the south beach on Wednesday morning. Before daylight, and while the tide was out, dozens of sculptures were suddenly created in the dark by an unknown person or persons.
British experts in flying saucers and crop circles descended on the town during the day to examine the work.
Tim Nawby, secretary of the British Unidentified Flying Object Group, said: "These objects are the work of highly intelligent creatures. They have left representations of themselves, the off-world creatures who have visited us.
"The answer to the age-question 'Is there anybody out there?' is a resounding 'Yes!'
"The fact that the visitors have left these figures in the sand proves to me that they wish us to contact them. We have been searching for ET for ages and now we have the proof we need."
These images were fully recorded and measures before the tide swept away all the evidence later on Wednesday afternoon.
Watch out for more fantastic unbelievable revelations from the Bridlington Messenger.
PS: Have these images anything to do with Shirley's Alien Song?
Better ask her. It's nowt to do wi' me!
Published Date:
18/04/2007
Modified Date:
18/04/2007
Isle of Wight
I may have to apologise to the Isle of Wight.
In an earlier blog, I claimed that everyone on the planet could stand on the island and there'd be room to spare.
But with a biro, sheet of paper and a calculator - plus some reference books - I have made the following calculation:
If we allow every person on the planet to stand in a space one metre wide by one metre long (just over 39 inches each way - or approximately one pace by a human adult) we could not fit them onto the Isle of Wight. So everyone there can breathe out again, sit down and relax.
At the last count (just a few moments ago on the internet) the population of the planet was 6,589,339,550. And if they needed one square metre each that would mean a space of 6,589,339,550 square metres.
Isle of Wight? Too small. it's only 380 square kilometres in area so we'd only get 380,000,000 people on it.
Now Iceland, that's bigger, much bigger. That has an area of 103,000 square kilometres. And on there we could stand 103,000,000,000 people.
There's only 6,589,339,550 so far. So everyone could stand - shivering, I'm sure - on Iceland. With bags of room to spare.
Now look at the atlas again, and find Iceland - it's in the Atlantic Ocean north-west of the UK towards the Arctic icecap.
Then compare Iceland with the rest of the world. Now see if you can believe that if everyone in the world can stand on that insignificant island that those people can have a great deal of impact on the remainder of the planet. And remember over 70% of it is water.
There are 4,250 species of mammal - humans are among them. They range in size from whales and elephants, to antelopes, horses, cattle, sheep, pigs, goats, dogs and cats, down through rats and mice to the tiny shrews.
They all eat stuff, some are carnivorous - eat meat; some are omnivorous - eat anything, a bit like a human; some are vegetarians - eat grass etc. All of them chew their food and down into their internal workings it goes. There it produces gas.
And that has to come out.
A fart.
And there's millions and millions and millions of these creatures farting their guts out all over the planet. And you think because you drive your car you make a difference. Get real.
The planet is big enough for us all - farting mammals of all kinds, and fish and birds and spiders and ants.
We just have to adapt to it. Like humankind has adapted through its millions of years of development.
You have to understand that logic can be used both ways. Here's an example. The Eskimos wear hoods to keep their warmth in, right? The people in Jamaica don't wear a hat as a necessity, merely as an adornment perhaps. That's because it's hot.
But the same logic can also claim: It's cold in the place where Eskimos live because their body heat is not allowed to warm up their environment. And it's warm in Jamaica because the people's body heat is released.
And that's logic. Believe me there are those who are using logic to turn things on their head.
Supporters of wind farms use logic. The anti-brigade use their logic. Both sides argue they are right.
You have to make your own mind up. Found out what you can about everything, ask questions. Find out!
Published Date:
17/04/2007
Modified Date:
17/04/2007
Big cat on the prowl
Bridlington Messenger
This is another tale from the Bridlington Messenger.
"I got the shock of my life," said Denise R. Brown (69), of Acacia Alley, Sewerby. Walking along the paths between the lawns and trees of Sewerby Park last week, she came face to face with a huge cat, which she managed to photograph.
"I was just taking photos of the lovely daffodils. I turned and there it was!
"Luckily it didn't follow me, or I don't know what would have happened. It was a big cat!
"I must have instinctively pressed the shutter when I saw it. The picture is great. Pity I took only one, but I ran for my life."
Staff at Sewerby Hall were equally surprised by the news. When interviewed on site, a spokesman said: "It's certainly not one of ours. We have only small animals and birds. Although now I come to think of it, the deer aren't as plentiful this spring, and the llamas seem to have disappeared. I wonder . . ."
At this point, he ran off and slammed the door of the hall behind him.
The lion expert from London Zoo, Percy Katte, spent the following morning wandering round the grouns seeking evidence of the animal. He has yet to make his report.
Members of the public are warned to stay away from the Park until the cat is captured.
"It's great this, just after Easter," said the Hall spokesman through the letterbox. "We'll be packed out with visitors searching for it."
Police say the animal looks like a cat. Only bigger. And a different colour. Plus it growls rather than purrs, and eats raw flesh not Kit-e-Kat, and it should live in a zoo and not be wandering around the park at Sewerby.
"Don't feed it!" is the police warning. "And stroking it is out of the question! It may look like a cat to you but going by the photograph this one's got bigger teeth!"
Ms Brown's photograph of the 'big' cat at Sewerby.
Published Date:
15/04/2007
Modified Date:
15/04/2007
A likely story
Now I don't know how much truth there is in this yarn, but it's a good 'un.
This old lady was having a hard time, her cash was running out and she was facing some bills. She was nearly skint. But being a churchgoer she thought of praying. But nothing happened.
So she thought she'd write to the Almighty.
"Dear God," she wrote, "I'm skint. If something nice doesn't turn up soon, I fear for my future. Fifty pounds would be great."
She put her name at the bottom of the letter knowing that God knew where she lived.
Anyway, the letter entered Royal Mail, and now her letter was in the lap of the gods.
Unfortunately the glue on the envelope wasn't very good, and the flap became loose. In the mailing department, a postman noticed it and picked it out. He was going to sellotape it up when the letter fell to the floor.
Well, being a human, he couldn't but have a look. He read the letter and realised he knew this old gal slightly. He was sorry she was in trouble, cos she was always nice to him and his kids.
So what he thought he'd do was play God. So at tea break he asked all his mates for a fiver for a good cause. And they coughed up. After the break he found he'd got £45.
He pushed the notes into the old lady's envelope and addressed to her (because he knew where she lived, you see). He stuck a stamp on it and let it loose in the system.
He felt good about himself and his mates.
A couple of days later, the same thing happened. He recognised the writing on the envelope where it said "God, Heaven." So he opened it.
What he then read was: "Dear God. Thanks for answering my prayer and the money. Trouble was, there was only £45 instead of £50. I bet those thieving b*****s at the Post Office nicked it."
Published Date:
14/04/2007
Modified Date:
14/04/2007
Bridlington Messenger
We're going to be a bit silly now. I've got hold of last April's publishing sensation
The Bridlington Messenger
with permission to reproduce some of the stories. They will amaze you, astound you and make you wonder whether you can believe what's happening. Here's the first:
Darby 'n Joan Grand Prix this summer
Grand Prix racing with a difference comes to Bridlington next month. Following a similar event held last year in Ireland, Luke O'Zayde and Phil O'Sanne, the organisers, are bringing pavement scooter racing events to the town in a "Darby and Joan Grand Prix" along the south promenades.
The event will be held on Sunday, 6th May, during the May Day bank holiday weekend.
Latest plans for the event include a parade of entrants' vehicles through the town centre, a grand prix style race and a drag race along the South Promenade.
Final timings for the day's events have yet to be decided, but the organisers visualise the parade at 11am, starting at Limekiln Lane car park. The parade will pass North Marine Drive to St Anne's Road, down Promenade, Cross Street, Bridge Street, South Cliff Road, and South Marine Drive to the finish in the grounds of Hilderthorpe School.
Lunch will be provided in the grounds by local WRVS members in the grounds, with Lucozade and Irn Bru provided by Tescos.
The grand prix event will start at 2pm on Princess Mary Promenade. Vehicles will be allocated spaces on the grid by draw.
There are three heats, one for retired women, another for retired men and a third for others below retirement age.
First and second in each heat will take part in a grand final over two laps.
The scooters will race along Princess Mary Promenade, past the Spa to South Cliff Road. They then pass along Bridge Street, Manor Street, Beck Hill, Hilderthorpe Road and back along South Cliff Road. The vehicles will then stay on South Marine Drive to the finishing line opposite the bowling green.
The evening event will be a drag race along Princess Mary Promenade, starting at 7pm.
Competitors will race along a quarter of a mile track, the quickest time being the winner.
Local firm Eden Mobility will provide pit-stop facilities in the school grounds, with batteries, tyres, go-faster stripes etc.
Entry forms are available at the shop, and there is a limited entry of twenty competitors in each race. It's a case of first come, first served.
Entrants will pay £20 to enter each category, but the final showdown is free to competitors.
The top prize is a fortnight for four in Filey, while all entrants in the final will be presented with bottles of Lucozade and Phyllosan.
Local councillors have praised the organisers for staging the event in town.
The Bridlington Messenger
Published Date:
14/04/2007
Modified Date:
14/04/2007