For the last 6 weeks or so, we have suffered from the type of weather not seen for decades in this country. Snow, ice and puffa-jackets have plagued this nation for longer and to a greater extent than many of us have seen in our lifetime.

What makes me somewhat impressed by this fact, is the deafening silence from the environmentalists. The summit at Copenhagen was but a few weeks ago, yet; not a peep! Could it be...possibly...that our wonderful planet has demonstrated, quite convincingly, that she will do whatever she pleases, whenever she pleases? Without appearing completely sexist, could this be the reason our planet is viewed upon as of the female variety?

The other aspect of this weather that I have enjoyed immensely is the sheer incompetence of the people on the roads. I drive (somewhat embarrassingly) a 1992 Nissan Micra, with 99k on the clock, called Sparky. Now Sparky has managed to get to Leigh, 20 miles away, each and every day throughout this weather. Through snow, ice, wind and rain, my little Sparkster has laughed at it all. With this evidence; what excuse, unless you had set fire to your nose, did you have for staying at home? I can see the lie appearing in your thoughts! The truth is that you could have made it to work; but you decided to leave them to it, and go sledging instead! I think you should be ashamed of yourselves!

Now, of course, all the snow has melted, and the BBC is having to find other things to talk about. The earthquake in Haiti will provide some airtime for a while, but what then? I bet you a billion pounds that in March, when we have a warm spell, the weatherman tells us that the warm spell is a direct result of your selfish need to drive to work, and instead you must drag your face along the ground for 10 miles whilst simultaneously pleasuring a vagrant!  

My, aren’t we lucky? Suddenly, every street has been turned into Barbados. All have been invited to walk the streets with their various white bits on display! As soon as the sun comes out, the obese and the unemployed plague the streets with their moobs and their wobbles! Well, I’m sorry, but unless six packs are in evidence, torsos should only be viewed in the privacy of your own home/garden! My own moobs shall only be displayed when nobody is looking and the sea is warm enough to swim in!

Sunday afternoon is undoubtedly the worst. I challenge all of you to drive through Bamber Bridge on a sunny Sunday afternoon without vomiting! When I come to power, offences such as this will be punishable by shooting!

What else has been happening in the world? Katie and Peter have split up. If you have a puzzled look on your face, then I applaud you! I, ashamed as I am to admit it, have been a victim of ITV2 and have managed to watch one or two programmes regarding the couple. The strange thing is, I actually quite like Katie. There is no pretence of class or dignity – she is, to coin an Americanism, real!

Also, just in case you live in a chasm of ignorance, Michael Jackson is dead. Whilst I am sympathetic to his family, I really hate the vomituous (yes, I made that word up) outcry of public grief. I believe that he should be judged on his music, which was brilliant to the point of genius, regardless of his personal life, which was blighted by scandal, whether or not it was true. The trouble is, with 10 page spreads for days on end in every newspaper, all dignity in death is lost to scandal and sensationalism. We saw the same thing with Diana, and subsequently the blissfully ignorant Jade Goody. Unfortunately, most of the people lapping this up know exactly that it is garbage, but just cannot help themselves.

Lets be completely honest here. The European elections do not impact upon you in any way. Your bin collections will not change. The length of time you wait at the traffic lights will not alter. The straightness of your banana will remain unchanged – as it has been for the past 25 years. What could change, is the world’s view and the reputation of this very country. Believe me, this is a very important moment.

Yes, the politicians have pegged us for every single penny they could. Moats, duck-islands, trouser-presses and heaven knows what else. Is this a reason to completely lose faith in our politics? Well, perhaps it is. But then who are you going to vote in?

Vote the green party and you will spend the next millennia condensing cardboard boxes and feeding gulls. Vote for the liberals and you will be classified as insane and we will never see you again. Surely this leaves only one chance? The BNP of course! Yay

May I just point out, before you shoot me, that I am being sarcastic. Parties, such as the BNP, love difficult times, simply because it allows them to play to the fears of the ignorant many whose problems are not solved in black and white by the main parties.

The BNP say they are not racist – they merely endeavour to favour the British Citizen. Are you a British Citizen? Well – do you hold a British passport? Did your parents come here from overseas? Are you a gurkha? Do you hold a religion other than Christianity dear? You should not have to answer these questions. Unfortunately, the BNP have made these questions an integral part of the political argument. How dare they question your or anybody else’s commitment.

There are terrorists in every religion in society. 10 years ago the BNP would be arguing against the Irish being welcomed. Today, if you have an Asian descendence, please join me in condemning every single BNP member, their supporters and their sponsors.

Good morning/afternoon/evening and welcome to the latest instalment of angry prose. I have, once more, neglected to update this blog recently. Unfortunately, I have become so obese that simply lifting my hands to type is often beyond me!

So, what has been going on in the world recently? Apparently, the only recent news is Jade Goody.

Now that the hysteria has mostly died down, I feel it is my responsibility to invoke some normality and sense. There was something deeply uncomfortable with the media surrounding the decline and eventual death of the reality-TV star. I place no blame on Jade, of course. Who, in her position, would have tried to earn as much as possible for their children. The justification also stretches to an increase in screenings for this terrible disease, which can only be a positive thing.

However, any positives surrounding this circus were merely a by-product. The truth is that millions of people in this country couldn’t get enough information about an ignorant woman dying and leaving her children. There is no real justification for that, I’m afraid. One magazine, in the wake of Jade’s death, called her ‘the nation’s brightest star’. It has been a long time since I have seen such blatant hypocrisy. Just a few months earlier, any magazine took every opportunity to pull this poor woman to shreds with their snobbery.  

I also have some disagreements about the amount of money Jade will have earned for her children. Would it not have been fair for her to raise a certain amount, and then donate the rest to charity? How many other people died that day, leaving children in poverty and without the opportunity to rely on OK magazine to pay for their private school fees?

I think it is time this country realises that death is a universal inevitability. Sometimes it comes too early, and sometimes people suffer too long. It is, however, something that should be done in private, as is the grieving that follows. Grieving that can only be felt truly by those known personally to the person who passed, and who must view this mass hysteria as a cheap slap in the face. We saw the same thing with Diana, and we will no doubt see the same thing in times to come. I just hope in future we can do so with a little dignity, and a little civility.

On top of the sensationalist headline to this blog, I shall now say something I have been loath to say for a while. You (yes – you) have gone completely mad.

Between the ages of 5 and 10, I used to go sledging every single year. At least twice per winter, it used to snow so much that we used to struggle to walk (as children, admittedly) down the street.

How many times, then, do you think we had a ‘snow day’ at our school? 10? 15? Well, I’ll tell you – twice. Twice, throughout the whole of primary school. Moreover, this was before range rovers killed otters. A time when many homes still had coal fires and the cars literally spewed badgers as they coughed their way up the street. And I’m only 24 years old!

I have been sat here for about an hour, chatting on MSN and with news 24 in the background. I have yet to hear any actual news. Can you just imagine the chaos were we to experience a proper winter? The sheer hysteria astounds me.

Get a grip. Get in your car and go to work you lazy, good for nothing wastes of space. You may not be able to speed to work, but for God’s sake, you can get there. Especially those of you in squirrel-killing range-rovers. You should be able to get to work in record times, without inconsiderate children losing themselves in your wheel-arches to slow you down!

I trust you all had a wonderful Christmas and New Year. My question is this – was it worth it?

The answer, undoubtedly, is NO. Even if you are loath to admit it, every Christmas and New Year is the same – a complete and utter waste of money and time, coupled with the odd argument.

Don’t get me wrong. I enjoy seeing my family, and eating the food and drinking merrily. What I do not enjoy is the hysteria that surrounds this time of year. The sheer number of presents that the kids get astounds me. So many that they have no chance to appreciate fully what they do get, so in the end they just rip the wrapping paper, look at the gift and throw it aside ready for the next. Surely one or two big present and a few stocking fillers would suffice?

The houses, usually in council estates, completely covered in gaudy, second rate neon decorations, with blow up “Santa-homers” and complete sleighs in their gardens! The insistence that you must be happy, merry and in no way grumpy annoys me to such an extent that I feel like going round with shears to cut their trees down.

Another thing that annoys me is the amount of food bought. I am sure I have touched on this before, but for God’s sake, do you need three trolleys worth of food?  Completely ridiculous, and if you did this you should be shot immediately. No offence intended!

Now, once it has all been done, the decorations have come down and the wrapping paper is in the bin, interminably awaiting collection, you feel a bit silly don’t you? We are in the middle of a recession, and you have just spent a thousand pounds on one day’s festivities. The kids only play with one of their presents – one of the cheaper ones, most likely; you binned half of the food and you have so much chocolate in the house you could save it for Easter.

My suggestion is to write down exactly how you are feeling now. Note down how long it takes to pay your credit card bill off, the number of days before your kids lose half the small bits in their toys, how long it takes before the noisy presents have their batteries taken out. Jot down every annoying and needlessly expensive thing you have done this Christmas. Once you have completed this lengthy process, put this note in the November section of one of the nine calendars you received. This way, hopefully, you won’t make the same mistake again, thus I will not be so grumpy next year!!

Apparently, the 24 hour Tesco supermarket in Leyland has had to close early at weekends, due to armies of teenagers causing a disturbance.

I have just been reading through the letters pages on the LEP website, where one woman, Kathie Bates; claiming to be a mother of one of the aforementioned louts; asked Tesco to step in and invest in a youth centre.

"Wouldn't it be nice if Tesco invested some of its huge profit in the community which supports it?" she cried, completely forgetting the fact that when it was built, Tesco ploughed money into refurbishing the near-derelict Leyland Cross area, building space for the nearby chemist, vets and other shops.  Why should it then be expected to invest further in sorting out your child?

According to the LEP story, the store was having to be closed at around 10pm or 11pm at night, with children as young as 11 causing these disturbances.

Well I have some advice for any parents reading this. Instead of expecting other people or institutions to step in and make your children behave, why don't you get off your backside, put down the can of lager and actually do some parenting. The fact that your children are out at this time of night shows how utterly inept you are - that you have failed miserably in your task to bring them up responsibly. What boundaries of behaviour have you taught them? I’ll answer for you – none whatsoever.