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Paleo-Archeologists have spent the last one hundred years searching for the 'Missing Link' but that is nothing compared to finding a councillor in Bilton who cares about Community Safety. I've just been to a CAP 2 - Community Policing - meeting in Bilton and it opened my eyes as to what a spineless waste of space some of our councillors are. Two police officers and a PCSO turned up to answer residents' concerns plus representatives of various neighbourhood watches but zero council representaives.....again..

..nowhere to be found.

This elusive creature, half beast and half politician (although the genetic difference is a bit of grey area) can usually be seen romping around the borough around election time offering to shag you in return for your vote. Apart from then.....nada..nothing.

The question was asked as to why they didn't turn up....ever. Nobody seemed to know. Both the police and community individuals informed the councillors of meeting times, agendas etc but generally failed to obtain even the courtesy of an acknowledgement. The most popular theory was that they were too afraid. After what I heard, this evening, of their performance I could run with that line of thinking.

Apparently one councillor (who I shall not name) did turn up a few meetings back. It transpired, in the public discussion, that he had privately told some members of the audience it was a waste of time and then, on the opposite side of the room, told the police it was a very useful meeting. Obviously he didn't count on the two sides comparing notes. What a plonker.

A lot of the meeting talked about the continuing graffitti problem across the Iron Bridge and up to Claro. I have lived in several rough inner city areas such as Whitechapel, Elephant Castle and Shepherd's Bush and I have never seen graffitti as bad as 'posh' Harrogate. In Westminster, where I last laid my hat, they had a Tory council (just like Harrogate) and would have it all cleaned off or painted over in a day, if not hours, so why does it take their political compatriots 'oop 'ere several weeks? Even the looney left councils of the aforementioned 'rough' London boroughs did much better than that so somebody needs to pull their fingers out of their a*se.

We would have liked to have asked the council what they were doing about cleaning it off but, as I said, they weren't there. One gentleman had been carrying out his own crusade to stop the graffitti louts by painting it over, at his own expense. Gradually the vandals had been getting the message through this gentle attrition and the incidences of graffitti had slowly declined. Then the council ordered him to stop doing it. Why? Errmmm..nobody was quite sure...even the council, evidently. Did the council take over where he left off? Not a chance and the area once again looks like an urban war-zone.

This kind of thing can go round in circles but a practical answer was found. They are going to invite New Park to join the Bilton Community Policing Forum. Why? Well...ironically ...because of one of those rare commodities ...a good councillor. Evidently, they have a very good one in New Park called Trevor Chapman. He is welll thought of/respected by both the police and local residents and DOES attend CAP meetings. Shame he is Lib-Dem but then you can't have everything.

They used to say that Yasser Arafat never missed an opportunity to miss an opportunity. The same could be said about Harrogate Conservatives who do not appear to have the political nous to take advantage of the ill-feeling created by their opponents in solid LibDem Bilton. What is this? An apathy competition?

Paleo-Archeologists have spent the last one hundred years searching for the 'Missing Link' but that is nothing compared to finding a councillor in Bilton who cares about Community Safety. I've just been to a CAP 2 - Community Policing - meeting in Bilton and it opened my eyes as to what a spineless waste of space some of our councillors are. Two police officers and a PCSO turned up to answer residents' concerns plus representatives of various neighbourhood watches but zero council representaives.....again..

..nowhere to be found.

This elusive creature, half beast and half politician (although the genetic difference is a bit of grey area) can usually be seen romping around the borough around election time offering to shag you in return for your vote. Apart from then.....nada..nothing.

The question was asked as to why they didn't turn up....ever. Nobody seemed to know. Both the police and community individuals informed the councillors of meeting times, agendas etc but generally failed to obtain even the courtesy of an acknowledgement. The most popular theory was that they were too afraid. After what I heard, this evening, of their performance I could run with that line of thinking.

Apparently one councillor (who I shall not name) did turn up a few meetings back. It transpired, in the public discussion, that he had privately told some members of the audience it was a waste of time and then, on the opposite side of the room, told the police it was a very useful meeting. Obviously he didn't count on the two sides comparing notes. What a plonker.

A lot of the meeting talked about the continuing graffitti problem across the Iron Bridge and up to Claro. I have lived in several rough inner city areas such as Whitechapel, Elephant Castle and Shepherd's Bush and I have never seen graffitti as bad as 'posh' Harrogate. In Westminster, where I last laid my hat, they had a Tory council (just like Harrogate) and would have it all cleaned off or painted over in a day, if not hours, so why does it take their political compatriots 'oop 'ere several weeks? Even the looney left councils of the aforementioned 'rough' London boroughs did much better than that so somebody needs to pull their fingers out of their a*se.

We would have liked to have asked the council what they were doing about cleaning it off but, as I said, they weren't there. One gentleman had been carrying out his own crusade to stop the graffitti louts by painting it over, at his own expense. Gradually the vandals had been getting the message through this gentle attrition and the incidences of graffitti had slowly declined. Then the council ordered him to stop doing it. Why? Errmmm..nobody was quite sure...even the council, evidently. Did the council take over where he left off? Not a chance and the area once again looks like an urban war-zone.

This kind of thing can go round in circles but a practical answer was found. They are going to invite New Park to join the Bilton Community Policing Forum. Why? Well...ironically ...because of one of those rare commodities ...a good councillor. Evidently, they have a very good one in New Park called Trevor Chapman. He is welll thought of/respected by both the police and local residents and DOES attend CAP meetings. Shame he is Lib-Dem but then you can't have everything.

They used to say that Yasser Arafat never missed an opportunity to miss an opportunity. The same could be said about Harrogate Conservatives who do not appear to have the political nous to take advantage of the ill-feeling created by their opponents in solid LibDem Bilton. What is this? An apathy competition?

I have just received a little notice about the new Childrens' Centres, presumably as a result of a consultation workshop I attended some months ago. It seems that somebody has finally realised that men are parents too and there is absolutely no sign of that infuriating expression 'Mother and Toddler'.

Of course this is more an aspiration than an actuality. Whenever, I take my children to playgroups, I am invariably the only bloke there.....sat on my todd...all alone. There is a good reason for this. It does not matter how macho you are, even the toughest of men, when faced with a room full of wall-to-wall 'yummy mummies' talking about their Caesareans, suddenly feels the urgent compulsion to run away. There is simply a limit to the number of birth stories you can listen to before being sent into a trance-like state. There is absolutely no appreciation, whatsoever, that men suffer severe post-natal emotional problems due to the sudden withdrawal of beer and sex. By all means give the ladies supportive chats and samples of the latest panty liner but I think it only fair that we get vouchers for the local brothel and a few tinnies from the off-licence.

On reading the Harrogate Advertiser's 'Greener Future Campaign', I can confirm that Ackrill Press is is proactively Green right down to a personal level. Such is the concern for needless expenditure of energy, Harrogate Herald distributors do not receive a Christmas drink, the traditional Christmas card or even a Bah Humbug from our employer.

Some might call that 'tight', but they do not realize that traditional good manners and master-servant courtesies must be swept aside in the messianic pursuit of saving the planet. In fact, such is my commitment to my employer's 'Greener Future Campaign' that a would gladly sell all my posessions to help fund the cause and walk stark-naked round Bilton delivering the Harrogate Herald.

Normally, as would be expected, I would put pen to paper to express my support. Unfortunately, however, they will not allow me sharp objects where I live. Perhaps some kind soul could lend me a crayon.

I would just like to make a ‘punt’ for the Green Party who have some excellent publications exposing some of the ‘bad science’ promulgated by late-coming passengers on the environmental train. One of the Green Party leading lights, Chris Goodall, has produced some excellent research (available free on the internet) demonstrating remarkable tips on living the low carbon lifestyle.

For example, many would be surprised to know that walking (and cycling) produces four times as much carbon emission as driving. This is purely down to the amount of food we need to consume to fuel exercise, which leaves a huge carbon footprint during often long-distance transport from source to the shop/ supermarket. Particularly harmful are meat and dairy products due to the emission, by cattle, of methane, which is twenty-one times more damaging than carbon dioxide. Organic cattle also produce more methane than non-organic. Michael O’Leary, boss of Ryan Air was widely derided for stating that the answer to global warming was to massacre the world’s cattle, but people now grudgingly admit he did have a point. Further, just in case, you were thinking of using public transport, the Rail Safety and Standards Board have now admitted that rural diesel trains are twice as polluting, per passenger mile, as a 4x4 vehicle.

The essential message is that many of us are being led on a dishonest guilt trip and our striving to adopt an excessively environmentally conscious lifestyle may be making things worse. According to the Green Party’s Goodall, being a couch potato, eating less, avoiding exercise and driving would certainly, on the evidence, be better for the planet. Consequentially, from now on, as I while away the hours on a Stray bench puffing a cigarette, I shall no longer consider myself a sloth, more an environmental Saint.

Deputy leader of the North Yorkshire County Council, Coun. Chris Metcalfe correctly asserts (in his quoted statements of 8 June) that a large majority of North Yorkshire folk favour more efficient and accountable local government arrangements.  Well, which sensible person wouldn't?  In fact, dissenters from that notion would probably qualify for prohibition from the use of sharp objects.

Unfortunately, his overstatement of the obvious, misleadingly, bears little relation to the IPSOS-MORI survey. What over three-quarters of residents actually said was they wanted more effective working within the existing structure, which was not what Chris Metcalfe wanted to hear. Further, four-fifths, of residents, also said they would like more information, on the issue of the Unitary Council, before making a decision.  This confirms the County Council is either out of touch with the majority of the population or wilfully under-informs them, or both.

Coun. Metcalfe's apparent inability to grasp the facts hardly engenders 'Trust' in the leadership of North Yorkshire County Council.  This demeanour must be attributed to either temporary madness or deliberate deceit.   The latter is quite acceptable.  Machiavelli correctly established that honest politicians are rarely successful: not due to perverse ethics but simply because no-one would ever believe they were honest.  If, however, it is suspected his statements are attributable to the former, then in the short-term, at least, Coun. Metcalfe should only be allowed to write with nothing sharper than a crayon.

There appear to be only two extremes to the current debate over North Yorkshire Unitary Council. Power is a intense aphrodisiac and it has crossed my mind that local politicians are more concerned about their loss of influence than any potential benefits to Harrogate. This opinion was further strengthened by my perceptions of the borough council on returning to my hometown.

Before moving back to Harrogate, I was familiar with only two ‘Cabinets’: the one in 10 Downing Street and the one in my bathroom. I found it a little bizarre that town politicians had pretensions of national government with their re-branding of the ubiquitous committee as a ’cabinet’, for no other apparent purpose than self-engrandment. However, ’I’m a member of Harrogate Borough Council Cabinet, so get your coat, you’ve just pulled’ doesn’t quite have that certain ring about it does it?

One way in which local politics could be sexed-up and satisfy both sides would be to make Harrogate a Unitary Council. Other similar sized boroughs have done it successfully, such as Stockton and Blackpool, leaving them free to deliver the full range of local government services themselves, rather than splitting departments between county and district councils. Presenting unique opportunities to empire-build, best value services could be bought in, on a competitive basis, from North Yorkshire, West Yorkshire or even Poland. We could form alliances with other ‘nice’ towns such as York and exclude oiky ones like Northallerton. We could even have a directly elected mayor with a mandate to cut through the endless, mindless bickering between political factions, and run things for the benefit of Harrogate, as opposed to national parties. I nominate Jeffrey Archer.

The potential horrors evoked by objectors to the proposed takeaway in the old bath chair shelter, on Montpellier, are fast approaching a thumping good script for an episode of Dr Who. No-one has yet raised the spectre of Daleks but it is not too late.

An upmarket creperie and ice-cream operation is very much in character with the Montpellier Quarter. Perhaps I have led a somewhat sheltered existence but I have never yet met anti-social crepe-eaters unless Councillor Butterfield believes we shall be overrun by the French. Even allowing the gentle-folk of Harrogate to enjoy an ice-cream, on the Stray, up until the utterly un-Godly hour of 7pm bizarrely conjures up the apocalyptic vision of degenerate geriatrics lobbing their Strawberry Mivvis at petrified local residents.

One has only to look at comparable operations to appreciate this is needless scare mongering. Has the long-established café, in the Valley Gardens, made it a no-go area? We have been made well aware that the tables and chairs are a unlikely health & safety risk but apart from this trivial peril the answer must be ‘No’. Is the ‘Cake House’, in St James’ Park a threat to the Queen, in nearby Buckingham Palace? No. The small sports kiosk, again in the Valley Gardens, dispenses a small range of ice-creams and sweets. Has this operation triggered an upsurge in Harrogate gangland activity with regular clashes between the Pitch ’n’ Putt Posse and the Crazy Golf Crew? No. So why should it happen in the old bath chair shelter?

If Councillors Butterfield, Cooper et al really do believe that ice-cream and crepes will potentially bring Armageddon to the top of Montpellier Hill, perhaps the council should play-safe and opt for a much quieter, smell-free and litter-free operation, in the old bath-chair shelter, such as the storage of Weapons of Mass Destruction.

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