Well, I’ve not that much to report to you, except that I had an interview the other day for a lecturing post at Yorkshire Coast College, teaching Counselling. It went well I think. It was the usual interview, only in order to get an interview in the first place I had to give a lecture to a group of students who had been pulled out of the lesson, which was nerve wracking enough, but to add to my nerves I had someone at the back of the room assessing my every move. Anyway, thankfully it all went to plan and I went through to the second part which was the actual interview, during which I was asked the usual; What could you bring to this role? Why did you apply? Describe yourself in three words, and Can we examine your internal organs just so we can say we have been thorough? I did enjoy giving the lecture however, and it has made me realise that this is what I want to do in some capacity, so I guess even if I don’t get the job at least it has helped me make my mind up. I loved being among the students, and seeing their faces as they became more enthralled as I talked about hypnosis, and then gave a demonstration. It was worth getting soaking wet on the walk to the bus stop, and I only hope that I will get to do it again.

So other than that I don’t have much to tell you. I will find out about the job next week so I will keep you posted. It’s a good job I’m going away to London to see Lordi otherwise my mind would be in overdrive waiting to hear the news.

So last night I went to the comedy club, otherwise known as ‘The Other Side Comedy Club’ at the Bradley Court Hotel. For those of you who have never been, it really is a wonderful night out, and the prices are really quite reasonable. There are usually four acts performing, two good, two….well, hit and miss. Luckily last night, most of the acts were hits, and indeed as the club’s compere stated, we saw one of the best newcomers we have seen in a long while. The show began at around eight fifteen, and as we fought our way to the bar, (which was naturally under staffed and over priced), and then found our seats, we were pleased to see that the club is still thriving, and accepting new members all of the time. We sat near the back for fear of being the subject of the acts’ ridicule, and wisely so!! The first to perform was support act Andrew Lawrence, and once he was called up on stage, he crept through the crowd like some inconspicuous muppet to take centre stage. As soon as he opened his mouth, it became apparent as to why he had felt comedy should be his chosen career, as he sounded like some cross between Jo Pascuali and Lee Evans combined. He began with the usual banter, which gradually became more funny with the more cider we drank, and the more we listened to his strange mouse-like voice. His unusual subject choice of anger, depression, pain and misery was surprisingly, if a little ironically rather funny, and it soon became apparent why he was nominated for the best newcomer award at the Edinburgh Fringe.

The next two acts to perform were “have a go” comedians, but as soon as the first of the two began his set the audience were glad he had decided to have a go, for his style was unique, his confidence remarkable, and his ability to write his own amusing songs and perform them to a rather high standard made it a surprise that he hadn’t tried this before. The next act was a little dull, and his last name, Bland, was surely no mistake! Still he managed to get a few laughs, and allowed us to slip off early to the bar to avoid the cue in the intermission.

When the headline act came on, everyone gave a cheer to discover he had not cancelled. Scarborough was graced with the presence and comic genius of Rob Rouse, former presenter of ‘The Friday Night Project,’ and star of the sitcoms ‘Grown Ups’ and the sketch show ‘Spoons.’ He began with his rendition of a Snoop Dog song, which within seconds had the audience and ourselves in stitches. His satirical humour and take on life was well timed, well delivered, and hilariously witty. Not only did he seem to appeal to the youth in the crowd, but to all generations, and his ability to deal with the usual hecklers, and to improvise was without a doubt the mark of a true professional.

By the time he had played his last song and reduced grown men to tears of laughter, my jaw was aching, and my stomach actually hurting from the hilarity this man seemed to produce. It was a truly wonderful night out, and proved that laughter is indeed the perfect tonic for anything. It was also nice to see such support from the Scarborough community, and even though it does appear to be hidden away, Scarborough managed to find its sense of humour in a small but friendly little club!

Friday 13^th

Well guys, the fateful day is upon us, Friday the thirteenth! Usually on a day like today I barricade myself in a darkened room, pull a duvet firmly over my head, and prey I make it through the day. Today however is different. I am woken by my mother, bringing me the mail as she is often wont to do, and I notice I have a letter from Yorkshire Coast college. Realising the date, this fills me initially with dread, as I have three applications in at the moment, so naturally my first assumption is that it is a rejection letter. I tear open the paper tenuously, and to my absolute amazement, discover that I have an interview for the lecturing role I had applied for some weeks ago. So where’s the snag? It’s Friday the thirteenth, this shouldn’t be happening. As I sit there pondering why the universe has suddenly turned on its axes, I note the date of the interview; Tuesday 31^st Oct. There’s the snag! I knew it would be in there somewhere! On that particular day I am due to be in London seeing the Finnish rock band, Lordi, with two friends I had gone to Finland with. So now what to do? If I ring to try and arrange another date for my interview, surely given the date it is today the phone will be slammed down on me and I will blow my chances. But that’s the alternative? Cancelling the gig that my friend has paid for me to go to? Those of you who know me will already be aware that Halloween is a sacred day for me, being part goth that I am. I make the decision. I had already put on the application form that I would not be available on that particular day, so surely they should be lenient…..right? I dial the number and wait for the reply as I explain that I have a prior engagement on that particular day. I am shocked and amazed once more as the friendly voice offers me the chance to interview next Friday instead. What’s going on? I do have the right date don’t I? A quick glance at the calendar confirms that I do, so I am left bemused as I now realise that not only do I have an interview for my dream job, but that I can also celebrate Halloween as well! Well, my flabber is gasted! I realise that the day has by no means reached its end, and that somehow the fateful Friday the thirteenth will find some way to haunt me, but as yet I have nothing to report….I’ll keep you posted!

So what have I been up to lately? Apart from filling out copious amounts of job applications that is! Well on Sunday night we had our Polish friends around for a meal and a vat of red wine. They are punk rockers, and my mum’s partner has known them for years. You may know them actually, they are well known around Scarborough; Ade and Yagga. Ade’s mum is Mavis Crawford, the Scarborough writer who has just published her second book, and is due to do book signings on Halloween at the Stephen Joseph. Yagga is from Poland, and has just set up her sewing business in Scarborough. Anyway, they came round, and as ever it was a wonderful evening. They are both so inspirational, never letting anything stand in the way of their dreams, and always standing up for what they believe in. We played loud music into the night, and I’m sure annoyed the poor neighbours, but sometimes you just have to let off steam…speaking of which, do you remember a few blogs ago I talked about my friend Misty from the Rasmus forum? Well I had another night out with her in York on Tuesday. As ever, we embraced our inner child, and decided that rather than just have any old night out, it was imperative that we dressed up early for Halloween. So, if you happened to be in York on Tuesday night and saw a witch and a fairy with flashing wings, you know you weren’t seeing things! I even had a broomstick with me, much to the bouncers dismay, but that mysteriously went missing before the end of the night, and it is our belief that it flew into the York dungeon, summoned by whatever ghosts and ghouls may still lurk there. If anybody does know of the whereabouts of said broomstick, we would appreciate a call….he will be dearly missed!!

Has anybody else noticed the turn in the air. I remember when I was a child my mother and Gran always talking about this and wondering what they meant. Was it some miraculous change in the earth’s pull? Or did the air mystically change shape and direction? Now I’m older I appreciate what it is they were talking about. It does seem different, and the atmosphere does begin to change towards the end of September. It’s like some magic unseen force that sweeps down and alters our state of mind. In the Summer I’m on a constant high. The trees are full of riches, the air around me is warm and inviting and there seems no end to the bounty of daylight, but then Autumn rears it’s head and everything alters. The air so longer envelopes me in a cloak of warm delight, but instead seems to begin to threaten and bite, warning me to stay in doors, or at least prepare for some oncoming battle. Short gusts of wind begin to dislodge the splendour from the summer trees, and dead leaves begin to fall about my feet. I’ve seen this happen twenty three times now, and therefore should know from experience that in a matter of five or six months time, the trees will begin to decorate themselves once more. However, I cannot shake the ominous sense of foreboding. It’s like for a short time, death has come to call….the death of summer.

The changes are slight at first and none too threatening, like when you step out from the garden and open the fridge door. In the Summer, you welcome the cool that burst of wind that seems to refresh and revitalise you from the heat, but in the Autumn, you feel the nibble, preparing to become a bite in the Winter, and you shut the door quicker than before. Then your wardrobe begins to confuse you as the days become shorter, little by little. It becomes virtually impossible to dress as you stand there on a morning, realising that it is now too cold for short sleeved shirts and skirts, and yet too hot for jumpers.

Outside, the summer wood pigeons have given up their song, retreating now to a place you are not permitted to see them until the sun is once more blazing. The morning mists become more frequent, as does the creeping darkness on an evening, where once you were out until late with a beer and a barbeque, you are now confined to the house. The colours of summer die peacefully, and the shades of autumn replace the artist’s palette.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t make autumn my enemy. In fact there are many aspects I love. Coal fires begin to creep back in on an evening, and winter stews can once again be added to the menu as you no longer need to feel guilty about staying in and watching television. Shop windows become full of Halloween costumes, pumpkins, toffee apples and things that remind you of your childhood. The air that was once full of freshly cut grass and bonfires now smells of wet pavement and its own particular pleasant aromas such as stew and dumplings and fresh due on a morning. Squirrels can be seen preparing for winter, birds can be seen flying in swarms to warmer climates, and indeed, even my hamster seems to be coming out of his bed less and less as the days turn shorter and the hours of darkness longer.

Of course, Autumn holds one of my favourite celebrations, Halloween, and it is around about this time of year that I am reminded of past Halloweens where my mother would make gingerbread witches, ghost biscuits and cakes, and when my brother and I would go trick or treating for a few pieces of melted chocolate that at the time seemed to make us as rich as if it were gold.

So, I am no longer in denial. Summer is leaving, or at least going on a short break, and it is now time to accept autumn and the delights that can bring. At least autumn never lets you down….you can spend days on end waiting for spring, praying for the light nights to appear and the warm weather to raise its head. Autumn however appears whether we sit and wait for it or not. The days draw in, and the leaves continue to fall regardless of whether we want them to or not.

Well, there’s one thing to be said for autumn, it means I can sit and eat chocolate, watch Saturday night T.V by the fire in my pyjamas, and not have to worry that I should be out, “Making the most of it!”.

I have come to despise the postman. Not out of some personal grudge you must understand, it’s just that if I get one more rejection letter, or one more job application through the post I really will scream! Well, my interviews have come and gone and I haven’t heard a thing, well except one rejection letter, I really had sealed my fate when I stated I had ambition. It seems that a lot of companies now are put off by a degree, so now I face the same problem that many graduates face, we are either too qualified for what we are applying for, or require that little bit more training and are therefore still under qualified. There is no happy medium, we are stuck in the middle of the ladder with no way up or down. You see the problem is that I am not willing to settle. I don’t believe that after having done a degree I should apply for jobs flipping burgers or selling pizza. Not that I am damning these positions, believe me I’ve been there too, it’s just that the whole reason I went to university is so I wouldn’t have to do that any more.

Never mind, I did hear one good piece of news. One of my poems is to be published. I received a congratulatory letter, and quite honestly I didn’t have a clue what they were talking about, I had completely forgotten all about it until now. It is to be published in a book called ‘Immortal Verses’, and should be out very soon. So that did make me smile amid an otherwise disappointing array of rejection letters.

Apart from that I don’t have much to tell you all….oh except that I am going to see Lordi at Halloween. Do you remember them? The Finnish rockers who won Eurovision. I had seen them in Finland and the rock festival I went to, and my friend has just bought me a ticket to see them in London…so it looks like my credit card is going to get yet another bashing….oh dear!

I’m sat here, surrounded by people in black suits, all clutching their CV’s as though they were some form of life support. I check my watch, and as I do I can’t help but wonder….what the hell am I doing here? Back at University after just completing an English degree, and now I’m applying for the post of receptionist? I inwardly shake my head and remind myself that after a degree I’m in debt and need the money. We are told to wait in the reception area, and shortly we will have to do a work based assessment. Now is it just me, or does everyone agree that it surely doesn’t take a lot to answer a phone, and yet here I am about to be tested! I watch students milling past with their folders in one hand and coffee in the other, and I can’t help but get a pang of jealousy. That was me a few months ago, and now I’m sat here in a black suit, not to study Shakespeare or Postmodernism, but to answer phones! I should have been starting my masters next week, but as ever, money plays such an important role in our lives, and I can’t afford to do it this year, so have had to put it off….which is why I’m now sat waiting to be interviewed on how I am a good team player. Suddenly, in the depths of my despair, and just as I am about to give in and go home, I see a familiar face descending the stairs….my lecturer, or now ex-lecturer. I smile and wave, and he comes to join me.

“When’s your interview?” he smiles, and I wish I was going to one of his lectures rather than to face a board of interviewers.

“In about ten minutes….I have to do an assessment first.”

He pulls a face, he knows me all too well and knows how I must be inwardly objecting to all of this.

“Well good luck and let me know how you get on!”

As he leaves me, I’m struck with regret once more that I cannot afford to do the masters. Just as I’m about to leave, I’m called in for my assessment. Well here goes nothing, might as well do it seen as I’m here.

“Now it’s on a laptop, are you ok with that?”

Oh at last, something challenging. Ok perhaps this isn’t so bad after all. I follow her into the room, where two others are just completing the task, and I sit down. Opening my “task” envelope, I begin to read. So here’s what I must do:

Compose a letter and save it to disc.

Proof read a document

Prioritise from a list of tasks

And place some apostrophes in a few sentences.

Are they kidding? A three year degree in English, and this is what it comes to. I sigh, and begin my tasks, reminding myself that I need the money. I have an hour to complete.

Fifteen minutes later I hand my completed tasks back to the reception desk, and am told to wait yet again. After another forty minutes, they are ready for me. I go up the stairs and enter the room, holding my record of achievement and qualifications proudly. My eyes scan the room. Three people in suits are sat with their bottled water, staring at me as though this were some medieval trial. I sit down and the firing squad begin.

“So how could you contribute to the team? Can you handle answering a phone AND typing letters? When was the last time you used your own initiative….?”

And so they go on for a full half hour. I’m exhausted, somewhat irritated, and now tired of trying to sell myself. They don’t look once at my qualifications, nor do they ask to see my record of achievement, but before I go they ask the fatal question:

“I see you’ve done a degree? So where do you see yourself in the future?”

Now this is a killer. When in an interview and asked this question, I advise you all to fake a seizure! If you say, “Oh I can see myself staying here for the next fifty years, how does your pension scheme work?” they assume you have no ambition and are therefore worthless. If you say, “well obviously I won’t stay because I can do better but for now I need the money thank you very much when do I get paid?”, then you are going to leave so what’s the point in employing you? So here I was, faced with the ultimate dilemma. Do I lie and damn myself, or tell the truth and at least come out of there feeling I have retained some aspect of my personality? I take a deep breath and answer:

“well I do see myself furthering my academic pursuits and perhaps doing a phd!”.

They exchange the look of doom, and I know I’ve sealed my fate.

“Thank you very much, we will be in touch!”.

I leave, and head back to reception. It is then that the head receptionist recognises me.

“Hey weren’t you a student here?”

“Yes,” I nod, wishing I still was, “I just graduated, I did the English degree.”

“Of course I remember…..so why on earth do you want to work here?”

As I look at her, the question hits me full force. What am I doing here? “I really do know!” I answer honestly, as I pick up my forms and head for the front door. Time to go home I think, and put another interview behind me......well...until tomorrow's interview at least!

Insomnia. Anyone else suffer from it? I get it all the time. My brother’s the same, and often you will find us crossing paths at some God forsaken hour in the morning. Sometimes it’s to go and get snacks…..sometimes it’s to make hot chocolate in the vain hope this will lull us to sleep. Other times we have just given up on sleep altogether, and are in pursuit of some late night film that will attempt to entertain us for the remainder of the dark hours. I often walk past his room at three in the morning, only to hear the faint but very distinct sound of music coming from headphones. How he thinks listening to Korn will help him sleep is beyond me. I’m just as bad however. If I can’t sleep I get very aggravated, so instantly give up trying. It’s then that I reach for my laptop and find some other immortal still awake on one of the forums I frequent. It’s quite handy knowing people from all over the world, as even though it’s three in the morning here, it’s usually only lunch time in Mexico, or some other place where I can usually find the odd Rasmus fan, or friend of my mum’s partner that has been touring with him and his band. Last night though was hopeless, no one online, not a soul to entertain me, so I had to provide my own entertainment. I knew it was going to be one of “those” nights as soon as I turned my light off at around midnight. My room was devastatingly hot, and the sense of thunder was threatening the air outside. I shifted around in the dark for around an hour, before finally giving in to my vampire nature, and allowing the night to wake me up fully. So I turned my light back on, and attempted to read. The only problem is, once you have done a degree in English, you can’t just simply read….you find you analyse everything….even Heat magazine. So that didn’t help switch my mind off at all….in fact it revitalised it even more. Bad idea! I put the book down promptly and decided it was time for a snack. Creeping out onto the landing, I heard the familiar but faint sound of my brother’s mp3 player. Yep, insomniac number two was in the same boat as me! I glanced at the clock….two a.m. creeping downstairs I reached the living room, turned on the light, much to the dissmay of my hamster who was happily climbing his cage bars in the darkness, and made myself a sandwich…..and then ate some crisps…..and then found the chocolate cake. As I watched my hamster playing, I made myself a promise that in the next life I was going to come back as some nocturnal creature, as obviously this human incarnation was not for me. So now what to do? I’ve tried reading, I’ve tried eating….ok the next logical step…hot chocolate. I click on the kettle and bring lauri, the hamster, some cheese. He takes it graciously and nibbles in the corner of his cage, before I decide to let him have a wander about seen as I was downstairs to supervise. Setting him down on the carpet, he begins his rampage of the living room as I make my hot chocolate. I’m careful where I’m standing as I go sit back down, as by now Lauri could be anywhere. So I sit in the semi-darkness and drink my drink. Soon I hear the patter of footsteps as my brother creeps downstairs.

“Can’t sleep either?” he asks as his face appears round the door.

“Nope….careful where you’re standing Lauri’s about!”

He nods, and heads for the fridge. I don’t know what it is about us, but me and my brother just can’t seem to sleep, and the more we try, the worse it gets. It goes in fazes really. Some times we don’t have our landing meet ups for weeks, and then other times it becomes a regular occurrence. I guess we really do like to live up to our nicknames as vampires.

We spend the next hour and a half trying to relocate and capture Lauri, who has found himself a nice dark spot amid the washing, and is happily munching on some hamster treats he found, and cheekily stole on his walk about. Once back in the safety of his cage, he begins his acrobatics, swinging upside down and falling off his wheel, much to our entertainment. We look at the time. It’s now four! We really should try and get some sleep. Creeping back upstairs, we wish each other luck, and head into the darkness.

Five o clock comes and goes, and I still haven’t been close! My light goes on again, as does my laptop. Perhaps this would be a good opportunity to try and work out some Criss Angel magic tricks, seen as I had promised myself I would solve them. I have always loved magic, ever since I was little, and joining the magic circle only made my obsession worse. Ever time Derren Brown or David Blaine come up with new specials, I obsessively tape them, and the rewind their tricks hundreds of times until I know how it’s done and can replicate it for myself. There is something about the art of magic that intrigues me. I love the fact that for one brief moment, people are allowed to view the impossible, and in that one moment, anything in this world is possible. Gravity can be ignored, danger is laughed at, and miracles can and do occur. As Dunninger said; “For those who believe, no explanation is necessary..….for those who do not, none will suffice!”.

So I slide my dvd into my laptop, and begin to watch him in slow motion. In this episode of Mindfreak, he sets himself on fire for forty five seconds, only to fall down onto a mattress and have someone put him out…but here’s the catch….when the smoke clears, and the mattress is revealed, it’s not Criss Angel laying there, but merely his singed clothing….and now for the reveal….the man who put him out? Yes you guessed it…Criss Angel. So how is it done? Impossible? Well no…improbable! Let me watch it again!

By six o clock in the morning, I’m virtually delirious, but by now sleep has flown out of the window, and my weary mind is set on solving this puzzle. I have the first part worked out, and yes, it really was Criss who was set on fire….so now what about the switch? When was it made? It all happens so fast, in two point five seconds to be precise, much like the famous Penndragons’ switch. If you haven’t seen it, I would highly recommend it to anyone interested in magic…..and for those interested in the work of Derren Brown like myself, I would also recommend an earlier magician called Chan Canasta. But now, back to Criss. I have rewound and replayed this probably fifty times now, and it’s half past six in the morning. I’ve had no sleep, and there is very little chance of that now. As I press play once more, and begin to play it in slow motion, I am suddenly hit with a bolt of inspiration……..I grin to myself as I watch the replay, this time in real time. Yes….it’s possible. Grabbing a pen and paper I begin to draw up a diagram. I just have to show Matt…..

I hammer on his door, and he opens it. “Still can’t sleep?” he asks, chocolate cake in hand.

“Nope….you?”

“Nah!” he shakes his head. “Gave up hours ago…..what’s that?”

“This my friend…..is the answer to that riddle…the Criss Angel one!”

“You’ve figured it out?” he asks enthusiastically, being as big a fan of magic as I am.

“Yep……see here’s how I think it works……”

Watching the footage together, and following my explanation, we both agree that that’s how he did it, there’s no two ways about it. It’s clever….but it’s also disappointing….not because of the trick, but now because we know how it’s done. This always happens. We obsess over an illusion for weeks, and once we know how it’s performed it literally looses it’s magic. The impossible has been turned once more into the mundane possible, and we wish we hadn’t solved it.

“I agree!” he states with a nod, “Clever….very clever…..but not magic unfortunately!”

I nod and scribble over my diagram. “Yep…..oh well, at least I did something productive during the night…..hey maybe tomorrow night we can solve Blaine’s snake illusion!?”

“Sounds good to me!” he nods sleepily, “Same time….same place?”

I sigh and roll my eyes. “Yep…..too late to be day but too early to call night……landing, four o clock?”

We both yawn and dread another night of immortal insomnia. It’s then that we hear mum’s alarm…..what is it about alarm clocks that makes us suddenly crave sleep. Now I feel I could sleep for England….perhaps I should record one and put it on an mp3 player and listen to it constantly throughout the night, that’s a sure fire way to get me to sleep. Oh well, perhaps tomorrow I will discover how to perform Hellstromism (the ancient art of muscle reading….a great magician’s ability)….well either that or go mad trying! We hear mum getting up, and soon she appears on the landing.

“You’re up early!” she states, still half asleep.

“Or up late!” I shrug. Perhaps I should become like my hamster and sleep throughout the day, or maybe I’ll just sleep when I’m ready….either way, at this rate I will soon know all of magic’s secrets! Oh….and in case you were wondering about the illusion….I could tell you………but I think I’ll let you lay awake wondering about it…after all, why should it be just me who can’t sleep?

Technophobe!

So, the reason I haven’t blogged for a while? Simple answer; technology. My laptop has been on the blink, and is still in a critical state, and shall remain in said state until I can afford to get it fixed. It all started a few weeks ago when I foolishly decided to put a new programme on. I had bought myself a digital camera with new software, and after getting my photos from Finland printed out, I decided it might be nice to edit some of my footage together from the rock festival I went to. Big mistake! I loaded the disc into the machine, and it set itself going ok….but then disaster struck. Nothing happened! Always a bad sign with computers if nothing is happening. It’s a myth that when something flashes on the screen you are in trouble, as invariably I have found that these are the errors you can generally sort out yourself. However, when nothing happens, that’s when you’re in trouble. You’ve heard the saying, ‘it’s the quiet ones you have to look out for’?, well it applies here. You see, when nothing happens on your computer, how on earth do you know what to fix? I did the usual, control, alt, delete…..still nothing! So I did what any sensible and technology fearing person would….shut the whole thing down and then switched it on again, always a favourite. Still nothing! Eventually I got it working, but now it was running at a snail pace, and I realise I have done something seriously wrong. My msn messenger won’t work, I can’t get onto the internet, and as for playing my music tracks, forget it! So I begin to foolishly explore the advanced settings…..you know, those ones only a true professional should touch, but we all feel that in order to save ourselves some money we ought to just, “Have a go!”. why do we do this? I mean, if you found you needed to have your tonsils removed you wouldn’t shove your hand down your throat and pull would you? No, you would leave it to a professional! But there is something about owning a computer that makes us all believe we are somehow up to the job. So anyway, I fiddle, I search, I crash it a few times, and eventually I remove the programme I believe has caused all of these problems in the first place. Now surely that should fix it right? Wrong! It’s still running at a snails pace, freezing, and being a general pain in the wallet. So now I try the old tried and tested, ‘System Restore’. Surely that ought to work? Nope, wrong again, and I lost some of my memory in the process. So I switch it off and leave it to fester in my room while I go out and buy myself some well deserved chocolate.

As morning breaks, I have forgotten all about the technological difficulties, and boot up in order to read my emails. It’s then I get the sinking feeling as I realise the laptop is sticking it’s tongue out at me and refusing to play. This is not looking good. Vital signs are failing and my blood pressure is rising. I try and sign in to msn to ask for some advice, and it freezes……and freezes……and freezes….so I do the only sensible thing! Kick it and fling it across the bed whilst I go in pursuit of more chocolate.

By mid week it refuses to do anything at all, and the only message it will reveal is one that states, ‘Your Windows Virtual memory is running low’. what? What’s that supposed to mean? I check my storage space, and I still have over forty percent left! Surely that’s enough? I delete pictures, music tracks, programmes, and anything I think might be unnecessary just in case, then do a system defrag and disc clean up. Surely now it has to work? Wrong again! The laptop takes another trip through the air and I run out for more chocolate.

So two weeks later and it’s still not performing as it should, and I swear if I see that message pop up one more time the laptop will find itself in a skip. Time to call in the professionals.

“Matt, I’m going to get this thing fixed!” I yell to my brother as I bundle it up.

“Wait for me, I want to get a new memory card for my playstation, this one has corrupted data!”

Corrupted data? Low virtual memory? Oh the wonders of modern technology. So we pile onto the bus and make our way into town. Once in the shop, I carry the laptop on a stretcher to see the surgeon.

“What can be done?” I ask in hope, describing the symptoms and watching him measure vital signs.

“Well the good news is it can be fixed!”

I hate that. I hate when people start with that sentence because it means something bad is coming, and in this case he’s going to hit me right were it hurts….my bank balance.

“and the bad?” I ask tenuously.

“Well the bad news is you will need to get this thing cleaned up, and have more virtual memory put it. You see, when it says your virtual memory is low, it’s not talking about your hardrive!”

No of course not…..what?

“It’s talking about your virtual memory….the actual brains of your machine!”

Great. So now it needs brain surgery.

“So basically you have enough gigs left in your drive but the ram is suffering!”.

Ram? There’s a sheep in my laptop. Does anyone else speak laptop because I don’t have a clue?

“So what we need to do is put one of these in!” he states, producing a small black box. “This should last the life of your laptop and increase your memory one hundred percent!”

So now it needs cleaning, brain surgery and a transplant! Can someone get me some oxygen please, I’m going to pass out!

So after being treated for shock after a price was uttered, it’s my brother’s turn to go and get his ‘corrupted disc’ replaced. I stand there, listening to more technological jargon and I feel like my head will explode. These words mean nothing to me, and I can tell by the way my brother is nodding they mean nothing to him either.

By the time we arrive back home, our surgery complete, we are just in time to see mum struggling with the VCR.

“How am I supposed to set this thing? I can’t do it! All I want to do is tape Holby City later on!” she moans, and my brother quickly removes the mobile phone from her hand that she had been pointing and replaces it with the remote control.

“Try that mum you might have more luck!”

She rolls her eyes. “Oh….stupid technology! Why can’t we go back to when it was all simple?!”

I look at my laptop and shrug. “Do you know what mum? I really don’t know…..but I wish it would!”