A couple of days ago I had yet another MRI scan. This one was recommended by the neurologist I was referred to by my GP following a condition of a possible mini-stroke which I have written about in previous blogs.
I knew what to expect having had them before...for some reason this one I seemed more aware of.  I had the sension that a deeper look was being looked into my brain.  Half way through, I was given the usual injection.  I started counting as I usually do for an operation of which I have had many under general anaesthetic. It was cold. I felt it travel up my arm like I usually do, but this time, whether it was because I had had a coronory angio through my arm instead of groin and could feel the wire going towards my heart, it felt as though I felt the liquid or whatever it was travel along my blood vessel up my arm, around my shoulder and gradually fade into my brain. At this point, I seemed to want to sleep. I did point out would it matter, and I was told no....
This time, I seemed to go into the  cone or whatever it is called a little further. I thought it was new, but it seems it had been there for 5 years on my asking.  Behind the scenes in the Conquest, I feel, they do a brilliant job which necessary moments occur. I have had them help me on many occasions on many of my health issues. In fact, I have quite often suggested they use me as a case study.

When I got off the table, they had to help me as I am still having trouble with my sprained chest wall caused through the black out which I was told was an unconscious level by the neaurologist, and possibly a follow on from stroke from the GP...when I was referred.  I pointed out these sensations as they were different to the last one for similar occurrances to what I am experiencing a few years back, and the MRIs to keep track on my pituitary adenoma (benign tumour). She hadn't heard of it before. I believe it is because I am aware of situations, a writer, I research, and keep note for my future autobiography. I have even a copy of my brain with regards the tumour.  I feel that writing about issues of your health can be a great lifeline...anything, no matter what it is...mental problems, worries, stress...write it or draw it...it makes the problem REAL...not just a hidden load or garbal floating through the archives of your mind...

This week, or should I say last week...I think I have found my niche of beginning to write about my health but in a different way...so many have wished me to write about my health isssues into a book; I have made notes etc, but it never took place, each time I have said I would, it just hasn't happened. I believe now that it is because I maybe a writer/poet, but over the years I have definitely found that I have dyslexic tendencies, and have no inclination of ever really understanding the grammatics of life...pushing me or anyone come to that of which the government wish through the education system will I believe only cause more and more stress and give pupils the idea that they are dunces as I was left to feel, except for the exams I passed through day release at the Hastings College back in the 60s...I learnt through adult education in Hove back 1979/80 approx (sponsored in conjunction with The Friends Centre) that I was a writer even though I didn't understand grammatics, write as I speak...just because I write this way...does not mean I am not an intelligent writer...in fact over the years, I have become a published poet, writer through a writing group called Shorelink Community Writers, and just recently have become a member of a new organisation entitled GRASS ROOTS OPEN WRITERS (G.R.O.W) www.grass-roots-open-writers.btik.com (Please take a look, I am pleased I became a member and it is still similar to the group I was in on a Tuesday with Shorelink Community Writers of which I believe is still great but in a more advanced way) I am more interested in somewhere I can relax in, do my writing in a relaxed way because disabled, and just because I am a published writer, it doesn't mean that I won't ever need to build confidence again...it's surprising, no matter how intelligent or how great a genius I am....ha ha , why shouldn't I believe that...its a step forward into my vocation of the future even with the disabilities...not only that, I need to train my brain to grow (GROW) those new cells for the ones that are dying and trying to take me away.....if I have anything to do with it...I won't let it...but...deep inside me is a fear...I don't like the headaches I keep having, I find after a headache, its not long I start have verbal problems...I'm sure something is messing with my brain...anyway, I now have to sit the waiting game to find out any further answers. If I try and keep away from stress...(thats a joke in this world) - my health matters will slow down - I now know, I feel the blindness coming on further...I know problems are being arising through the possible 2nd mini-stroke, as the eye consultant felt my problems at this stage was the brain not the eyes, although I have been given 15/16 years remission from the first impact of being told I would be blind in 6 months...so Hurrah! to the NHS for this support...and  a few years ago, being given a prescription cateract implant which the consultant didn't think it would work, but over time, and a laser impact on my eye, I still see occasionally ok, but sometimes with great difficulty...the other eye is vitually blind, they decided not to touch for fear of taking my working eyes sight away...I have problems also with the ears...but my brain is now needing to stop and relax...maybe this blog is writing my health book for me...who knows? 

So, before I finish, how do I know I have started writing my health book...well, I don't, but I feel I do...Grass Roots Open Writers -(G.R.O.W) - we have been discussing HAIKUS...wow!! I have written three and with a health issue behind them relating to me, and I am getting quite surprised...I bumped into my old doc again yesterday and had a chat, I've promised when finished to send him a copy of which he was pleased....it was my old docs surgery that I was with when I first found the fear of blindness, and they knew then about my writing and always encouraged me...it was like fate bumping into him...anyway, I also have found my GPs now from then, when I had to change due to moving, a great deal of support also).

I was reading today in THE WEEKLY NEWS September 27th, 2008 Page 43 - SO, DID YOUR GRANNY PLAY THE BAGPIPES...it was about generations following through with hobbies etc...well, I know I was told one of my ancestors was Charles Dickens, in what way, I have no idea, but it was my fathers side...and my father used to work as trade, photographic process engraver with the Sussex Engraving Company, Hastings Observer...much of what he did I have followed through with...This weekly news is great for info...I also got a shock with a book review, I need to contact, it is just something I have been researching for my fathers biography which was his last wish to me...it is based on a subject my aunt, my fathers sibling told me about my father...I have in my own way of researching came up with certain similiarities etc...and now, with what I read, I may have a different school of thought for some...do you understand what I have written...I'm not to going re-read yet,...

With regards HAIKUS...before I finish...my fathers cousin...(she maybe deceased now) - this would make her my 2nd cousin...(her deceased husband was a published HAIKU writer in the States) - I will refer this site to the facilitator of GROW, as I don't think I have mentioned this before. I quite often find when I write, my brain writes from within as my fingers tap away...years ago, before I changed my name, it was as though I wrote through the night and did not know what I had written until I had completed...this is where some of my poems in the past came from....fascinates me to this day.

Enjoy your day.
Josie

Well, I had the first test today...saw my arteries on the screen...the untrasound I mentioned. She said it looks normal...so that was good news...now the MRI today at 3.15pm...who long I will need to wait for those results I don't know.  but the NHS so far have been very good to me.
Oops, I just age a dark cadburys flake...well, I like dark chocolate.
Had the flu jab today also....
Think I'd better go to bed, my brain is going to sleep.

It seems such along time since I updated my blog.  It is 4.29am. My sleep pattern so disturbed all due to a section of my life happening on a bus and then forwarding off into the unknown world of my disabilities being effected and now mini-strokes.
I believe I may have mentioned the bus incident a few weeks ago.  Getting on, standing quite oblivious to the doors, but waiting my turn at a bus stop, the bus stationary, I with my bus concession with the orange stripe down one side (meaning disability) and on the other my blue partially sided card issued by East Sussex County Council social services - holding onto the doors when all of a sudden they yanked shut. From that moment to this I have been taken so ill. My routine of life is so upside down.  I wanted the accident to be put into the accident book but I was told there wasn't one. I sat down and found very painful moments with my arm going right up and down my right side into the neck, but at the same time, I thought (I stress THOUGHT) HAD A recurrence of my Bells Palsy return. Further along the line, it is obvious it wasn't, it was mini-stroke.  When I went to get off the bus I spoke with the bus driver...I told him I would need to report and took the bus number and made note of date, when and where.  Due to my increasing levels of health matters, I have done some mentioning of this but just haven't been able yet to register.  I think maybe this happens to many. How can you do this when you are busy in trying to get better?

Since this incident, I have endured a doctors check up and being told it was obvious my whole body had been jarred, and an agreeance that I should report as the same incident could happen to a kiddy next...then during the week, an attack on my eyes, an SOS appt to the Conquest proved the eyes are stable but feel it could be the brain...go to the GP...which I did...the Friday before Bank Holiday...(but while waiting the eye appt at the Conquest, I whiled away my time reading the papers of which is part of my life, and I noticed my sight fading in and out like an aperture of a camera).  My blood pressure had zoomed right up, so much so, one of the medication I am on for this had to be increased from 4mg to 8mg...(my blood pressure has to be controlled, and I was also told it was of great concern by the neaurologist from tests before with an area in my brain with not enough blood feeding it - i.e. harding of the arteries) unbeknown until research, this was probably my first mini-stroke when a couple of years ago, I kept blacking out etc. I had an MRI thinking perhaps it was epilsepsy, but this finding I was told was found.  When I became suspicious was when I had the MRI checked I had taken to check the benign pituitary adenenoma (tumour) I have and it was mentioned the ISCHEMIA blood was high...Ischemia is and course mini-stroke.  Ischemia attack. It was left at the doctors that he felt I had had a mini-stroke and he would fast track me to the Stroke unit.

Saturday, the day before Bank Holiday Monday, I met up with friends. We had a coffee then went for a meal. Ironically, I had mentioned in conversation about insurances being noted on the TV about unexpected accidents.  We went for this meal, I walked down town some steps, and promptly blacked out...I felt myself zooming out of an aperture again like my sight returning but at the same time, it felt like something speared right through me to the outside world of my stomach.  I remember others including a gentleman trying to lift me up which I would whoever he was like to thank....I got onto the chair and me being me tried to blank it out and continued to order my meal...but I could feel sensations within me, pain, breathing diminished, fear.  I continued to eat the meal and then I said I was going to try and walk, it was then I had great trouble, my back was exploding inside me - it felt like I was broken in two....my breathing was hurting....I thought that was my day for wheelchair for life.  My friends took me to the A & E at the Conquest...and was I glad it hadn't been closed with all the inuendo over the past months with the NHS and the Primary Care Trusts with patient say sos.  To cut a long story short, I had an XRay to check the lungs...they were ok but I was very bruised.  It wasn't until the weekend where I found problems with my nerves in my legs, and pain that I eventually managed to get to the doctor again on Tuesday that I began to visualise the importance of what this bus incidence had made occur.

My blood pressure was a little lower but still high, he felt the black out was due to the stroke, gave me some pain killers (codeine 30mg to have with my paracetomol 500mg caps which I have for pain - osteoarthritis, fibromyalgia and spondilytis of the spine normally_ - it was one of the worse pains I have ever had to enture...) I have ended up with a sprained chest wall.
After this, I did indeed get the neaurologist appt through.  I explained all this, he said the blackout was unconsious...he would need to arrange an MRI and neck check URGENTLY, be about two weeks...when I mentioned the previous mini-stroke, I mentioned I knew because of the Ischemia...he seemed to agree in nodding...I said I knew even though I hadn't been told.  So many people around me in this town think me with nothing wrong, I have this untold ability of working with me senses so that I can try and keep positive...maybe an intelligence my brain sorts for me, who knows?

The appts have come through, indeed about two weeks (AN IMPORTANT ISSUE I'D LIKE TO REGISTER HERE...IT IS TRUE THAT IN IMPORTANT PRIORITY ISSUES - THE NHS DO DO THEIR JOB AS IS MENTIONED THROUGH THE GOVERNMENT ISSUES)...I have what is called a US DOPPLER CAROTID ARTERIES in Radiology on Monday 22nd September 2008 at 2pm...This is an ultrasound scan in a diagnostic test using sound waves to produce an image on a television monitor of strutures within the body.
They will be performing an ultrasound scan on my neck to look at the carotid arteries that supply blood to my brain. They also explain what I will need to do to undergo this test. The examination will take approximately 30 minutes. I did phone up about this - I was told it was necessary to go with the MRI which I will be undergoing the next day...Tuesday 23rd September 2008 at 3.15pm...These I have undergone before...I must mention about my ears etc...the last one I had I then underwent problems with my ears.  It is important want ever the circumstances I have these tests...I don't want to end up with a full stroke...both my parents had strokes. 
If only buses were more aware of people when they get on and off buses...I have in passing already spoken to Phil Scott about this. His suggestion was to register in person at the bus depot...well, this has not taken place yet, I have been busy with not being well, and trying to keep stable in my life.  The writing has been held up, but when I focus my brain onto this, I can re-go over it and make some corrections etc...but I have noticed moments where its been doo lally.  I have put myself onto a voluntary sick leave from the magazine (non-profit) I do...but deep inside me I am working towards trying to get even a leaflet type done...I am a person that likes to keep moving forward.

In verbal conversation, I know and sense the mistakes I am making, and I am finding some people within Hastings town of great help and understanding...I am staying humerous - I have too. There was the first two or three weeks where I couldn't move around the town without my two canes, but I then made the effort with hardly carrying anything as using the canes increased my carpel tunnel syndrome which both hands were operated on over ten years ago...but I haven't been able to endure this - so now I take my shopper so that I can put things in and also, when necessary stand and support with it.  I have also increased level of pain in my lower back and hips...as it is...my right side has lost some of its length...and I believe this is from years ago where I used a cane and ended up looking like a hook of a walking stick...yes, I have been strengthened by my rehabilitation through life in many aspects...i.e. blindness, deafness, disabilities...but this bus incidence...sent the volcano exploding into the everyday world...it was bad enough all the other bus incidences since 1997 - I am still carrying these injuries with me...

And so now, I am here in this present day waiting the appointments...I just hope I can stablize these stokes...I want to continue with my writing, poetry, I belong to a writing group and I take lip reading classes...

They are all my lifeline, and I would like to thank my old doctor from years ago when I bumped into him for his supportive chat...he remembered me as THE POET...he suggested like my doctors of today to write it all out and so, here I have done....I normally keep the whole issue closed within myself -
The pain of this has been so bad, I even blurted it out to the Patron of the magazine I run, at a meeting at the HVA run by the East Sussex Hearing Resource Centre (Communication) Trading Standerds were there, and at the same time I mentioned about the falling sign I had mentioned to Hastings Health and Safety which nearly killed me...at this time, my hearing started going further in the wrong direction...I had at the time an audio witness one of the managers in the Building Societies I am with...

I normally, plod on and try and diseapper further into the world...but so many times I see so many things take place I worry about others, the elderly, the children, I have to stop now...my head cannot take more, it is closing down...I will go back to bed.
I then have the MRI exa

It seems such along time since I have written on my blog. I suppose you can blame my health for that. I've been around but been suffering alot with my menieres disease. A problem I have suffered since 1985 - some people are completely unaware of this as it's hidden. I'm not going to go on about it. I just feel now it may be settling again. What is menieres disease? Well, its a balance problem with the ears. Just attacks when you least expect it. One moment you can be standing in a queue, the next you are toppling over...in fact, to the outside eye, you could be accused of having been drinking, in fact you haven't. That can be quite an attack on your system if you are accused. The reason I mention this is because it has happened to me in the past and I just a couple of weeks ago, went to the HVA (Hastings Voluntary Action) for a meeting with the menieres society arranged by the East Sussex Hearing Resourse Centre. It was good to meet them. They said the same, as I am a member of the society. What else is Menieres Disease? Tinnitus, Giddiness, Dizziness, Vertigo, progressive deafness, nausea....I hate it...but, I have to cope with it along with other health problems I have.

What else have I been up to? I have managed to successfully finish and complete the Summer Issue of Ebb & Flow Community Magazine which has been distributed and now I am gradually collecting and working behind the scenes for the Autumn Issue. My creative values now are still happening occasionally, although I like any student am on summer holidays from lip reading and writing group. I suppose I'm also contemplating taking an imaginery holiday...I don't go away. Sometimes I take my mind into a reading book or film and just relax with the aid of other creative people who wrote and acted in them.I am up late tonight as I drifted off to sleep in front of the television earlier, so here I am at 1.27am doing the word thing from my inner self...

I'd like to mention. People who use computers. Save your work in case of problems. Reason for saying this...today or should I say yesterday, I read an article of a student who is doing coursework towards a Masters degree...she had her laptop stolen with all her research on it....I just hope the thief decides to give it back. I'm sure he or she wouldn't like it to happen to them.

Who would believe it was hot today, oh..yesterday I mean, when its so chilly through the night. The papers say we are in for a week of sun and heat, then rain...make the most of it I say.

I felt a bit let down today...I really felt like taking a walk through the park, but how could I? Our area is a place to be vigilant in now...all the beauty going to waste. I know, say there are people you could go with, but if you are alone, it is too dangerous now. That park has been part of my life from early childhood. I have seen it with an avery of birds within...boats in the lake, evening gathering of people watching fireworks...bowls...walkers, joggers, the beauty you just have not anywhere unless you can walk the distance or drive in a car. One day, I hope our town will find the peace and hope again with safety all about us.

 

11.6.08

Life has been so strange over the last few weeks. Just been getting used to the age of the dreaded 60 - well, I can assure you, its no different than the age of 59 - or that of 40...except for the knowledge that you may have learnt over the last few years. I feel a whole lot younger, wow! am I really saying that?

I'm doing my best within my ability to do some exercise...after all, you need that to make the impact really work at losing weight, don't you agree?

I still have alot to do to gain access into a relaxed world. But, all the time I write, the ability of getting there is slowly growing. It must be. I have even learnt through my adult education and knowledge of what I experienced as a child, that I do have dyslexia faults, but I work hard at them behind the scenes. Having found this out as an adult, from a self test found once in the Hastings Information Centre (this depicted a verbal problem) - my mis-understanding of certain aspects, being recognised by other dyslexic writers, my conversation until I understood with others patience, attempting a test on a website called Dore - came up with some very interesting things. The main thing is...I wear tinted glasses on occasion, from a test agreed upon by the Conquest Hospital at the eye clinic...I have not been actually diagnosed for when I asked, it was left to the understanding that funds are paid out more for children these days...I did have a tutorial from a dyslexic tutor once from Hastings College, with a writers group I belong too, that agreed too that I was dyslexic. But, will I let this deter me? - I am a writer, a poet, editor/founder anyway, oh, yes, I have also had a column for three years compiling news in a well known newspaper, so I must have something.

I will always say, no matter how old you are, no matter what is wrong...please do not lay stagnent...even if you read a book, do some, what I call nintendo brain ache games, meet people, but also find those all important ME TIME areas of your life, your brain will be better off. After all, it's the brain within the human body that is really who you are - better the twain you don't see, better the person you are.

I thought I would limber up with the blog today to try and get my brain working within the writing world again...I need to type up the summer issue of the mag I do...get it finalised, printed and distributed. Anybody interested in getting involved by contributing (non-profit) style..like send in words etc for the readers enjoyment, go off and visit the information website...http://webspawner.com/users/ebbandflowhastings/index.html - this will let you know how to go about it.

Until next time.

I just had to write this under today...

WORDS OF IMPACT

I read, feeling tears in my soul

The article, Daily Express, Monday May 26th 2008

'Violent Britain has torn my family apart'

By David Pilditch.

I was quite shocked - another youngster dead

Two weeks after Jimmy Mizen, 16 year old

"gentle giant" it states, stabbed to death in Lee,

South-east, London.

Robert Knox - a young actor, a rising star

In Harry Potters new film to be released November.

His parents hope this will - (Roberts role) -

Would help highlight the tragedy of violent crime.

He was trying to help his brother - Jamie Knox.

The tears in vision, the tears in words

Rose unseen tears in my soul

His last conversation his father had with him

"There's a lot of fear out there and someone has to

change the way we think. With knives there are no

winners and only losers'

How true - Robert died -

©26.5.08 JOSIE LAWSON

All Rights Reserved

Hastings too seems to be getting out of control. Everywhere you go you hear about scraps between kids...newspaper reports...police signs with sudden unprovoked assaults on innocent victims...WHAT IS HAPPENING?

The whole worlds seems to be going crazy...and now all the mother nature deaths...
Let us all find Peace somewhere?

It's 2.23am in the morning of Saturday 17th May 2008.  I decided it's about time I entered some new words on my blog.

I reached a milestone of my life last Monday the 12th May.  Amongst my birthday, I thought of little Maddie reaching her 5th birthday. I wondered if she was enjoying her birthday regardless to the situation.  Last year I wrote a poem and sent it to the Daily Express in the hopes it would be seen by her parents, but I heard nothing more.  I phoned the police and explained I thought Maddie was held like the Austrian girl that escaped...it was called Stockholm Syndrome.  I have followed much in the news - yet, I have not seen this mentioned.  With all that is going on in this world, like Fritzl...and his 24 year holding prisoner of his daughter, it makes me more determined to think Maddie is safe and well somewhere. 

Going back to myself.  I reached 60 years old on the 12th...I had two surprise parties. One from friends, and one from my daughter and grandchildren. It was really great. I was very appreciative.  Gosh, I even had two birthday cakes.  Me...my diet went out of the window!!!! On both cakes, I blew out all the candles...wow!!Me...with puff that worked.  Gosh! here I go again...getting tired, time for bed.