The Missus has the hump
The Missus has the hump. Not literally, of course, but she was more than a little put out by my last blog. As she quite rghtly pointed out, whilst baring her teeth, I slept on the floor in the corner of the room whilst she was in labour.....both times.
As I love her dearly, I must of course agree: it would be extremely dangerous to do otherwise. Indeed I still frequently sleep on the floor especially when our littletreasures do a midnight migration from their own beds to ours and force me towards and eventually over the edge. My wife thinks I'm being very considerate, which I then chalk up as a compliment to my fatherly prowess despite the fact that we both know I have no choice in the matter.
Back to labour. I was very lucky the missus chose a natural birth. Her wise choice gained us a room overlooking the Houses of Parliament on the seventh flloor of St Thomas's. Had she chosen any other method, our room would have been on the other side ovverlooking Lambeth: not pretty at anytime even at a distance. In the end she had a Caesarean, so it didn't really matter. Whilst the wife got a bed, stereo and television, I was allocated a 'mat' in the corner reminiscent of the ones issued in WW II Japanese prison camps. After 48 hours of dutifully holding the missus's hands as she merrily swore at me instead of taking chemical pain relief, that mat, and the Thames below, never looked more attractive.
Published Date:
24/02/2008
Modified Date:
24/02/2008
The New Childrens' Centres
I have just received a little notice about the new Childrens' Centres, presumably as a result of a consultation workshop I attended some months ago. It seems that somebody has finally realised that men are parents too and there is absolutely no sign of that infuriating expression 'Mother and Toddler'.
Of course this is more an aspiration than an actuality. Whenever, I take my children to playgroups, I am invariably the only bloke there.....sat on my todd...all alone. There is a good reason for this. It does not matter how macho you are, even the toughest of men, when faced with a room full of wall-to-wall 'yummy mummies' talking about their Caesareans, suddenly feels the urgent compulsion to run away. There is simply a limit to the number of birth stories you can listen to before being sent into a trance-like state. There is absolutely no appreciation, whatsoever, that men suffer severe post-natal emotional problems due to the sudden withdrawal of beer and sex. By all means give the ladies supportive chats and samples of the latest panty liner but I think it only fair that we get vouchers for the local brothel and a few tinnies from the off-licence.
Published Date:
02/02/2008
Modified Date:
02/02/2008
Green Issues
On reading the Harrogate Advertiser's 'Greener Future Campaign', I can confirm that Ackrill Press is is proactively Green right down to a personal level. Such is the concern for needless expenditure of energy, Harrogate Herald distributors do not receive a Christmas drink, the traditional Christmas card or even a Bah Humbug from our employer.
Some might call that 'tight', but they do not realize that traditional good manners and master-servant courtesies must be swept aside in the messianic pursuit of saving the planet. In fact, such is my commitment to my employer's 'Greener Future Campaign' that a would gladly sell all my posessions to help fund the cause and walk stark-naked round Bilton delivering the Harrogate Herald.
Normally, as would be expected, I would put pen to paper to express my support. Unfortunately, however, they will not allow me sharp objects where I live. Perhaps some kind soul could lend me a crayon.
Published Date:
02/02/2008
Modified Date:
02/02/2008
Environmental Myths
I would just like to make a ‘punt’ for the Green Party who have some excellent publications exposing some of the ‘bad science’ promulgated by late-coming passengers on the environmental train. One of the Green Party leading lights, Chris Goodall, has produced some excellent research (available free on the internet) demonstrating remarkable tips on living the low carbon lifestyle.
For example, many would be surprised to know that walking (and cycling) produces four times as much carbon emission as driving. This is purely down to the amount of food we need to consume to fuel exercise, which leaves a huge carbon footprint during often long-distance transport from source to the shop/ supermarket. Particularly harmful are meat and dairy products due to the emission, by cattle, of methane, which is twenty-one times more damaging than carbon dioxide. Organic cattle also produce more methane than non-organic. Michael O’Leary, boss of Ryan Air was widely derided for stating that the answer to global warming was to massacre the world’s cattle, but people now grudgingly admit he did have a point. Further, just in case, you were thinking of using public transport, the Rail Safety and Standards Board have now admitted that rural diesel trains are twice as polluting, per passenger mile, as a 4x4 vehicle.
The essential message is that many of us are being led on a dishonest guilt trip and our striving to adopt an excessively environmentally conscious lifestyle may be making things worse. According to the Green Party’s Goodall, being a couch potato, eating less, avoiding exercise and driving would certainly, on the evidence, be better for the planet. Consequentially, from now on, as I while away the hours on a Stray bench puffing a cigarette, I shall no longer consider myself a sloth, more an environmental Saint.
Published Date:
07/12/2007
Modified Date:
07/12/2007
Does wool turn you on?
Thursday, today, so no playgroups. This is my day of rest from rooms full of wall-to-wall stretchmarks. No hiding in the corner, behind my paper, avoiding the little huddles of mothers talking about their birthing experiences. Not that most of them talk to me anyway. I do get a cursory nod, smile or even the occasional hello from some of them but I get the impression that many of them view me with suspicion. Whatever, the cobblers about inclusion and joint-parental responsibility, a homedad still sticks out like a pimple on a duck's bottom,,..and treated accordingly. In fact, if a woman went into a room full of blokes and was treat like i was they would be bleating about sex discrimination, mysogeny etc etc. One or two do strike up a conversation with me but they are a minority just like me and I think they do it because they are sick and tired of talking about bloody birthing experiences, as well.
Today was the day for the continued expansion of my latest embrionic business empire; knitting. Let me expand. A kind soul, off freecycle, gave me a knitting machine free of charge. What a monster. Twenty years old and a complete dinosaur as far as knitting machines go but Laura Ashley started exactly the same way and who knows? Not me for a start, as I know b****r all about knitting. Luckily this came with several instruction booklets which are a good replacement for mogadon and full of pictures from the 1970s (when I had hair) of various folk in distinctly unstylish cardies: not something the missus would wear in her high-flying job.
Flicking through the internet groups on knitting, I came across one for people with a "thing" about wool: pleasantly potty group of pervs who get turned on by woolly cardies, shawls, turtle-neck sweaters and balaclavas. Here was my market: made to measure woollies. Judging that anything I managed to knock up on my knitting machine would be distinctly unwearable to the tasteful public, I could flog it as a "speciality" garment even if one arm was longer than the other or it would only fit someone with Billy Bunter's waistline and the neck of a giraffe.
So I've started my own yahoo-group. Called WoolF***shFriends for people who enjoy the feel of wool on naked flesh, it now has nearly two-hundred members and growing. Here are my customers. Some of them have kindly uploaded their little fantasies and pictures of mohair sweaters. All very innocent and harmless until you realise that next time you are out in your winter woollies, someone (of either sex) may be getting a quick jolly as you saunter down the street in your jumper, scarf and hat. Very peculiar.but I will not let that stand between me and my fortune.
Eager to get a second opinion, I approched my good email friend "B", a respectable pillar of the Harrogate community. An accomplished knitter - the proper way with those needle thingys - she joined the group and is now knitting a wolly balaclava for a gentleman in Florida. It just goes to show you never know people as well as you thought you did. What secret harmless little fantasies lie dormant in the back of our minds until someone comes along and pushes a certain button?
I of course, have no "commissions" due to the fact that I am still wading through several instruction books attempting to work this infernal knitting machine. It would probably be easier to learn Mandarin. Next time I see some old bird clicking away on her knitting needles, I shall treat them like Einstein.
Published Date:
19/10/2007
Modified Date:
19/10/2007
Not allowed sharp objects
Deputy leader of the North Yorkshire County Council, Coun. Chris
Metcalfe correctly asserts (in his quoted statements of 8 June) that a
large majority of North Yorkshire folk favour more efficient and
accountable local government arrangements. Well, which sensible person
wouldn't? In fact, dissenters from that notion would probably qualify
for prohibition from the use of sharp objects.
Unfortunately,
his overstatement of the obvious, misleadingly, bears little relation
to the IPSOS-MORI survey. What over three-quarters of residents
actually said was they wanted more effective working within the
existing structure, which was not what Chris Metcalfe wanted to hear.
Further, four-fifths, of residents, also said they would like more
information, on the issue of the Unitary Council, before making a
decision. This confirms the County Council is either out of touch with
the majority of the population or wilfully under-informs them, or both.
Coun.
Metcalfe's apparent inability to grasp the facts hardly engenders
'Trust' in the leadership of North Yorkshire County Council. This
demeanour must be attributed to either temporary madness or deliberate
deceit. The latter is quite acceptable. Machiavelli correctly
established that honest politicians are rarely successful: not due to
perverse ethics but simply because no-one would ever believe they were
honest. If, however, it is suspected his statements are attributable
to the former, then in the short-term, at least, Coun. Metcalfe should
only be allowed to write with nothing sharper than a crayon.
Published Date:
11/06/2007
Modified Date:
11/06/2007
Sexed-up Councils
There appear to be only two extremes to the current debate over North Yorkshire Unitary Council. Power is a intense aphrodisiac and it has crossed my mind that local politicians are more concerned about their loss of influence than any potential benefits to Harrogate. This opinion was further strengthened by my perceptions of the borough council on returning to my hometown.
Before moving back to Harrogate, I was familiar with only two ‘Cabinets’: the one in 10 Downing Street and the one in my bathroom. I found it a little bizarre that town politicians had pretensions of national government with their re-branding of the ubiquitous committee as a ’cabinet’, for no other apparent purpose than self-engrandment. However, ’I’m a member of Harrogate Borough Council Cabinet, so get your coat, you’ve just pulled’ doesn’t quite have that certain ring about it does it?
One way in which local politics could be sexed-up and satisfy both sides would be to make Harrogate a Unitary Council. Other similar sized boroughs have done it successfully, such as Stockton and Blackpool, leaving them free to deliver the full range of local government services themselves, rather than splitting departments between county and district councils. Presenting unique opportunities to empire-build, best value services could be bought in, on a competitive basis, from North Yorkshire, West Yorkshire or even Poland. We could form alliances with other ‘nice’ towns such as York and exclude oiky ones like Northallerton. We could even have a directly elected mayor with a mandate to cut through the endless, mindless bickering between political factions, and run things for the benefit of Harrogate, as opposed to national parties. I nominate Jeffrey Archer.
Published Date:
15/05/2007
Modified Date:
15/05/2007
Bath_Chair Blues
The potential horrors evoked by objectors to the proposed takeaway in the old bath chair shelter, on Montpellier, are fast approaching a thumping good script for an episode of Dr Who. No-one has yet raised the spectre of Daleks but it is not too late.
An upmarket creperie and ice-cream operation is very much in character with the Montpellier Quarter. Perhaps I have led a somewhat sheltered existence but I have never yet met anti-social crepe-eaters unless Councillor Butterfield believes we shall be overrun by the French. Even allowing the gentle-folk of Harrogate to enjoy an ice-cream, on the Stray, up until the utterly un-Godly hour of 7pm bizarrely conjures up the apocalyptic vision of degenerate geriatrics lobbing their Strawberry Mivvis at petrified local residents.
One has only to look at comparable operations to appreciate this is needless scare mongering. Has the long-established café, in the Valley Gardens, made it a no-go area? We have been made well aware that the tables and chairs are a unlikely health & safety risk but apart from this trivial peril the answer must be ‘No’. Is the ‘Cake House’, in St James’ Park a threat to the Queen, in nearby Buckingham Palace? No. The small sports kiosk, again in the Valley Gardens, dispenses a small range of ice-creams and sweets. Has this operation triggered an upsurge in Harrogate gangland activity with regular clashes between the Pitch ’n’ Putt Posse and the Crazy Golf Crew? No. So why should it happen in the old bath chair shelter?
If Councillors Butterfield, Cooper et al really do believe that ice-cream and crepes will potentially bring Armageddon to the top of Montpellier Hill, perhaps the council should play-safe and opt for a much quieter, smell-free and litter-free operation, in the old bath-chair shelter, such as the storage of Weapons of Mass Destruction.
Published Date:
24/04/2007
Modified Date:
24/04/2007